


Trying Again

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bonding, Gay Sex, M/M, Pon Farr, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Space Husbands, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, T'hy'la, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-23
Packaged: 2018-02-03 15:02:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 30,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1748819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock reunites with Jim after an absence when Pon Farr is upon him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“What are you doing?” Bones asked, coming up behind me as I stared out at the San Francisco skyline. I’d gone out to the patio during a break in the dinner we were attending. The restaurant had become too stifling.

“Looking out at the stars. I can’t wait to be up there again.”

“I know, Jim. It’s in your blood.”

“More like my soul.”

“Just a few more weeks though.” Bones put his hand on my shoulder. “Can’t believe you talked me into another one.”

“You liked it.” I grinned.

A little familiar blond boy came running to us. “Daddy! Daddy!”

I laughed and knelt down to embrace my son. “Hey there, slugger. What’s up?”

“You were gone a long time,” David said with a little pout.

“I’ll be in a second, okay? Go back to Mommy.”

“Okay.” David let go of me and ran back inside. I stood, leaned against the railing.  “I haven’t really told him yet.”

“That you’re going out again? You’ll be gone for years, Jim.”

“I know. It’s just he was so excited to have me here and now I’m going away again.”

“You’re not gonna leave it to Carol to tell him, are you?”

“She already hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you, Jim. She just doesn’t love you.”

I sighed. “Yeah. I don’t have much luck with that, that’s for sure.”

Bones was quiet for a bit. Then he said, “Uhura looks good.”

“She does, yeah.”

“Talked to her a bit.”

“Did you?”

Bones nodded. “She hasn’t seen him for a while either.”

I felt my stomach lurch but ignored it. Or tried to. “Who?”

“Gonna play that game, huh? Spock.”

I shrugged. “She has a better chance of seeing him than I do.”

“Why do you say that?”

“They got married.”

“And divorced.”

“Sucks but sometimes it doesn’t work out.”

“He never asked her to bond with him,” Bones said quietly.

“Never asked me either,” I replied.

“Your minds were connected, linked. T’hy’la or whatever the Vulcan term is.”

“Yeah, that’s the term. But it was a lie. Or a mistake. Whatever. Anyway, the bond was severed and I say good riddance.”

“I don’t believe that, Jim. I know how you’ve always felt about Spock.”

I shook my head. “Not anymore.”

“And when the ship goes back into space with the hobgoblin as your first officer again?”

I turned to him. “That’s not going to happen, Bones.”

Bones frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I requested a new first officer. I’m going back inside.”

“Jim—”

It was another couple of hours before I was able to escape the reunion party at the restaurant. Most everyone had been there. Except Spock, of course. I had known he wouldn’t be there.  Part of me was disappointed, part of me was elated.

If I never saw him again what would I do? Survive like I always had and always would, I guessed.

After I promised to see David the next day, Bones dropped me off at my apartment a few miles from the restaurant. He’d asked me if I was sure I wanted to be alone and I told him yes, though, I wasn’t sure I did. A few steps away from the high rise apartment building where I had rented was a bar. I supposed I could head over there once Bones was gone.

But as I got off the elevator and started walking down the hall toward my door, I noticed the tall figure standing in front of my apartment. He wore all black and though his back was to me I knew exactly who stood there.

My gut turned to a ball of ice.

“Spock?”

He turned then, his brown eyes devoid of emotion, his face blank. “Captain.”

I walked past him to the door and keyed in my entry. I opened it but held it, blocking him from entering. “What is it you want, Mr. Spock?”

“I would prefer to speak inside.”

A perverse part of me wanted to tell him to go to hell. But I opened the door wide and gestured for him to go inside.

“Missed you at the reunion.”

His eyebrow arched. “I very much doubt that.”

I shrugged. “You’re right. I didn’t.” I went into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. “So you’re here. Speak.”

Spock stood stiffly just inside the apartment as though he expected to make a break for it any time. I leaned against the kitchen counter and sipped my water.

“It is about the bond.”

I took another sip. “What bond?”

“Our bond.”

I shook my head, smirked. “Well, you see, that’s where you are wrong. We don’t have a bond, remember? You had it severed. Whatever it was. I remember very distinctly you accused me of somehow bonding with you against your will. You severed it, you married your girlfriend, divorced her too, or I guess she divorced you, smart girl, but whatever. No bond.”

Spock simply stood there while I spoke, showing no reaction. As usual.

“So if that’s why you’re here, you can go. See you.”

He made no move to leave. “The bond was not severed.”

I almost choked on the water I had taken a drink of. “Excuse me?”

“The high priest who conducted the ceremony to sever the bond was unable to sever it. Though it has been damaged, it still exists.”

“Bullshit. I don’t feel anything.”

“You are psi-null and would not feel anything with my shields intact as they have been.”

“Fine. Then go back to the high priest and have it severed completely. I doubt you need me this time any more than you needed me last time.”

“That would be impossible.”

“Excuse me?” I asked again.

“It did not complete the first time because it cannot be severed. The type of bond we have is…permanent.”

“Oh, fuck you. There’s no way.”

“There is indeed a way, Captain. Should you doubt my words, which Vulcans do not lie, you may contact my father and the Vulcan elders for verification.”

I clenched my jaw. “Now what the fuck are we supposed to do? I asked for a new first officer.”

“I am aware,” Spock said quietly. “I have been in contact with Starfleet and under the circumstances your request for another first officer on the next mission has been denied.”

Blinking hard, I stared at him. “You went behind my back?”

“I had to act expeditiously considering your request. They contacted me. You did not advise me of your intent.”

“I owe you nothing.”

Spock’s face remained completely blank. “We are bonded.”

“So? You’re shielding, right? You could shield forever.”

“Negative. Eventually it would affect my mental health if I continued to block our natural bond.”

“So who’s forcing who now?”

“I do not believe you forced the bond, Jim,” Spock said carefully. “I have since been educated on the impossibilities of that. I owe you an apology for my prior accusation.”

I turned away and refilled my glass. “Yeah, whatever. It doesn’t matter. You and I would never have worked anyway.”

“I am afraid I am forced to ask that we try to work. At least for those times it will be required.”

“What?” I turned back to stare at him.

“There is Pon Farr,” Spock said quietly.

I knew exactly what Pon Farr was. “Every seven years, right?”

Spock’s cheeks were green. “Yes. Though indications is my first Pon Farr will be much sooner than anticipated.”

“You gotta be kidding me.”

“I am not.”

I closed my eyes. “Get out.”

“Captain?”

“Get out of my apartment, Spock. I’ll see you on the Enterprise.”

I kept my eyes closed until I heard the door shut. Then I took out my communicator.

“Jim?” Bones sleepy voice.

“My life is fucked.”


	2. Chapter 2

I bounced David on my knee as I sat at breakfast eating my eggs. It didn’t take much to entertain a kid his age. Carol had dropped him by my apartment at just after seven as she had an appointment.

“You want some eggs?” I asked him.

He nodded enthusiastically and opened his mouth. I had to grin at him as I put a forkful in his mouth. Screwing around with Carol had been a mistake, for sure, but I couldn’t regret my son.

“Good?”

“Yes, Daddy.”

“Maybe when your Uncle Bones arrives he’ll make you some pancakes. He makes the best ever.” Often Bones used to make them for us at the academy.

As if on cue there was a knock on the front door. David scrambled off my lap. “Get it,” he yelled enthusiastically and ran for the door.

I set the plate of eggs down and followed after him. It was Bones, of course, but he wasn’t alone. Uhura was with him, standing behind him, looking like she wanted to be anywhere else. And that would have been okay with me, too.

“Bones!” David exclaimed, hugging his legs.

Bones grinned and dropped down to my son’s level. He snatched him up. “Hey, there’s my favorite person in the whole world.”

“Pancakes?”

Bones glanced at me with a smirk. “Daddy’s been planting ideas into your head I see. Sure, I’ll make pancakes.” He headed into the kitchen with David.

“Hello, Nyota.”

She wrapped her arms around herself. “Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

She stepped inside. “I ran into Leonard downstairs. Don't worry I won't stay long. I hope you don’t mind.”

“And if I do?”

“Well, I hope you’ll listen to me anyway.”

My jaw tightening, I went to the kitchen. “Hey, Bones, I’m gonna talk in the exercise room with Nyota for a minute, okay?”

Bones nodded. “Yeah, I got this.”

She followed me into the spare room I’d turned into an exercise room. I waited for her to speak, not intending to give her any encouragement.

“Listen, I know it’s kind of late notice, but I’d really like to be on the Enterprise again when it goes out again.”

I sighed. “I see. Is this because of Spock?”

She stared at me. “Spock?”

“You found out he’s still gonna be first officer so you want back on the ship.” I shook my head and folded my arms across my chest. “You were the one who left.”

“I know and it was a mistake. I made a lot of mistakes. Captain, I assure you this has nothing to do with Spock. I didn’t know he was back on the Enterprise. Since when?”

I shrugged. “Last night I guess. I figured maybe this was the perfect opportunity for you to reconcile with him. Honestly, though, if I were you I’d forget about it. I guess that bond thing is still going on.”

Uhura frowned. “You’re still bonded?”

“That’s what he says. The kind of bond we have can’t be severed. I say it’s bullshit but that’s his story. And apparently when he’s in Pon Farr he has to have sex with me, so really, if you want him back, keep that in mind.”

She laughed, but it was without mirth. “Trust me, Captain. I do not want to reconcile with Spock. Our marriage didn’t work because of you.”

“Me?” I snorted. “Right.”

“Yeah, you. The bond not being severed certainly makes sense now.” She shook her head. “I want to be on the Enterprise because that’s my family. I was stupid to request a transfer and I regret it. I want to be on her when she goes out again, Captain.”

“And you can work with Spock?”

“Absolutely.”

“And with me?”

“There was never any doubt about that, Captain.”

I exhaled slowly. “Okay, Lieutenant. I’ll make it happen.”

Uhura smiled. “Thank you, Captain. I’ll just get out of here now, but, David’s so cute and sweet. I just wanted to say that.”

I smiled. “Yeah, he is. I’ll miss him when we go out.”

She touched my arm. “I’ll see you soon.”

“See you.”

I followed her to the door to make sure she got out okay, and then turned back to the kitchen. Bones and David were covered in flour.

“What’s this? Are you making my son into a pancake?” I asked, laughing. I ruffled David’s hair.

Bones shrugged. “Kid wanted to help.”

“Help, huh?” I gazed down at David.

He grinned up at me, his face smudged with flour. “Helping!”

“Glad to hear it. Because Bones needs all the help he can get.”

“Hey, watch it, Jim.”

“Watch it, Jim,” David repeated.

I laughed. I was definitely going to miss my son. But space was where I had to be.


	3. Chapter 3

“Did you and Daddy have a good day together?” Carol asked our son when she came to pick him up that afternoon. We were standing by the front door.

“Yes,” David said. He turned his big blue eyes up at me. “Daddy, I want you and Mommy to live together.”

I exchanged a look with Carol and then I crouched down next to him. “Well, see, slugger, Daddy and Mommy aren’t together anymore, but the one thing we have in common is we both totally love you.”

David’s eyes were downcast now.

“You know Daddy loves you, right?”

He nodded.

I glanced up at Carol who raised her eyebrows at me. I withheld a sigh. “Hey, so listen, David. Daddy has to tell you something.”

“Okay,” he said in a small voice.

“In a couple of weeks, Daddy has to go away.”

“Go away?”

“Yeah. Like before. I don’t want to leave you, slugger, but my job sends me into space for a while.”

He blue eyes, very like mine, were wide in his pale little face. “Okay,” he said again, his voice even softer.

I swallowed, feeling like a big fat jerk. I forced a smile. “But, listen, we can talk via conference and video as much as you want, so you’ll still get to see me.”

David nodded. He looked so frail and brave at the same time he broke my heart, but I hugged him tight, picked him up and handed him to his mom.

“Ready?” she asked him, her smile a little too bright.

“Yes, Mommy.”

“Say bye.”

“Bye, Daddy, bye, Uncle Bones.”

Bones smiled and waved. “See you, kiddo.”

When they were gone, I turned to Bones. “That was fucking hard.”

He sighed. “I know.”

“I fucking sounded like my mom, Bones. Oh, we’ll keep in touch, we’ll talk, and it was all a bunch of lies. We talked maybe once every six months.”

“Jim, you don’t have to be like her. You can be different with David.”

I ran my fingers through my hair and blew out a breath. “God, I need a drink. Let’s go out.”

Bones nodded. “Okay. You know Scotty and the boys have been asking. Want me to comm them?”

I nodded. “Yeah, sounds great.”

****

Chekov looked at me in the booth we sat in. I was on my fourth whiskey in that bar. We’d started out in another.  “You are sad, Keptin.”

I shook my head.

“We will soon be on Enterprise again,” Chekov told me.

“Can’t wait,” I muttered. Picked up my glass again. “Are you blocking me?”

Chekov blushed. “Doctor’s orders.”

“Why?”

“Because we got kicked out of the last bar after you had sex with the Orion girl on the back table. The doctor doesn’t want you to pick up anyone here.”

“It was easier to fuck her right there,” I said with a shrug.

“Perhaps, but the bar owner did not agree.”

“Bastard. I need another drink.”

“You have had enough, Keptin.”

“Who says?”

“We all do. Scotty and the doctor went to pay the tab and then the doctor will take you home.”

“I don’t need an escort.”

Chekov said nothing to that because at that moment Scotty and Bones returned.

“Where is Sulu?” Bones asked.

Chekov pointed to the booth next to him. “Passed out.”

“Great,” Bones grumbled. “You and Scotty carry him, I’ll get the princess here.”

I scowled at Bones but let him pull me out of the booth. I stumbled against him.

“You reek.”

“Yeah?”

Bones snorted. “Yeah. Of whiskey and Orion pheromones. You’re an idiot, by the way.”

“Blah, blah, blah,” was my intelligent response.

Bones got in the cab with me and the other three got into a second cab. We were back at my apartment in a flash and Bones was helping me upstairs.

“God, I hate it when you get like this.” Bones keyed in my entry.

“Like what?”

“All fucking depressed and despondent over the hobgoblin.”

“I’m not,” I insisted, stumbling inside.

“Sure, sure. It makes you act like a dick. Or your one big dick. Do you know how many people you hit on tonight?”

I shrugged. “Not really.”

“And the Orion? Why’d you pick her?”

“She was green. Damn but she bit hard.” I rubbed the side of my neck.

“Serves you right.”

My foot slipped as I headed into the kitchen and Bones reached out to keep me from falling. His arms came around me.

“Easy, Jim.”

I stared at him, blinked, and then lowered my gaze to his lips. A second later I was kissing him, trying to push my tongue into his mouth. For a moment, he kissed back, his arms closing tighter around me. Then abruptly he pulled away and pushed me a little hard from him. I grabbed onto the kitchen counter to steady myself.

“Cut it out, Jim. You can’t just run over people. Jesus.”

“Bones—”

“I love you. You know I do. But I’m not a fucking substitute for Spock. God damn it.”

I swallowed, closed my eyes, shook my head. “No, I know.”

“Do you? I think you sometimes forget other people have feelings, Jim.”

I forced my eyes open and looked at him. My heart twisted in my chest, ached. “I’m sorry, Bones.”

Bones sighed. “I know you are. Look, I’m gonna go. The cab’s waiting. Try to get some rest and I’ll meet you for lunch tomorrow or something. Okay?”

“So.” I struggled to get the words out. “So, we’re okay? I can’t bear it if I fucked us up, Bones.”

He smiled. “Yeah, kid, we’re okay. Now go to bed.” He went to the door, opened it and went out.

I stared at the closed door for a long time, then turned and made my way into the bathroom. I opened a drawer and took out the long, straight blade. It was very sharp. I held it next to my wrist and just stared at it next to the pale skin there. It would be so easy and then none of it would matter anymore.

_Don’t._

The voice in my head said. I didn't know where it came from.

I took a deep breath, put it back in the drawer and closed it. I made my way to my bedroom and collapsed on the bed. 


	4. Chapter 4

I met Bones at our favorite place for lunch. They served nothing healthy. Just greasy, fatty food. Hamburgers, hot dogs, pastrami. I didn’t even think they had salad. Maybe they did.

“This place okay, Bones?” I felt the need to ask after we’d both arrived. I was still ashamed of my actions the night before. I’d hurt my best friend. How much more of an ass could I be?

“Of course it’s okay. Let’s see if we can get our usual table,” Bones said. He was smiling but for some reason it seemed forced to me. Some reason? Who the fuck was I kidding.

The table we often sat at was in the back. It was a table for four but it was only ever the two of us. We sat in silence while we looked at the menu and just as I was about to lower the menu and say something to Bones someone tall dark and far too alluring loomed over our table.

“Doctor. Captain.”

My gaze rose to look at Spock. Somehow I wasn’t all that surprised to see him there. “I thought I told you I’d see you on the Enterprise.”

“May I join you?” Spock wore his gray Starfleet uninform.

“What? No.”

“Jim,” Bones said wearily. “Come on, Spock. Sit down.”

I glared at Bones, but kept my mouth shut as Spock sat at the table next to me rather than Bones.

Bones put his menu down. “You know I don’t think I’m hungry.”

“What? Bones? No.” But Bones was standing up and acting like he was going to leave me with Spock.

“I’ll see you later, Jim.”

I watched Bones walk away and leave me behind with only Spock. I found my appetite was pretty much gone too.

“Happy? You just sent him away.”

“It was not my intention,” Spock said coolly.

“What was your intention then?”

“To see you, of course.”

“This isn’t your kind of restaurant.”

“With food?”

“Ha ha. It doesn’t have vegetarian stuff.” I huffed. “How’d you even know where to find me?”

“The bond.”

“Wait, what? You can’t just use the bond as some sort of GPS.”

“Actually it is similar,” Spock said.

“Isn’t that stalking?”

“Not really.”

“It totally is. And what the fuck, Spock? I thought you were shielding.”

“I have partially unshielded. You still have your thoughts and I still have mine, however certain aspects, such as your location, work.”

“You pointy eared bastard.”

Spock picked up the menu. “They have salad.”

I blinked. “That’s all you are going to say?’

“What would you have me say?”

“Well, for starters I would have preferred you did as I said and waited to see me on the Enterprise.”

Spock continued to study the menu. “I chose not to.”

“You-you chose not to.”

A waitress appeared, glanced at Spock. “He’s not the one you came in with, honey.”

Spock arched a brow. “Do you know this woman, Captain?”

“What? No.” I shrugged.

“Then you will cease to use endearments when addressing him,” Spock said in a cold voice.

“Spock—”

The waitress grimaced. “Possessive boyfriend? Look, what do you want?”

“I’ll have the hamburger. And fries.”

“A salad with the Asian dressing.”

She walked away.

“Was that really necessary?” I asked.

“You are my mate.”

“No, I’m not. I’m your captain and nothing else.”

“We both know that is not true.”

I sighed, rolled my eyes. “Your wife is gonna be on board. Just so you know.”

“If you refer to Lieutenant Uhura she is not my wife. She has not been my wife for nine point four months.”

“Is that gonna be a problem?”

Spock gave a little shrug. “Why should it?”

“Exes sometimes decide to shack up again.” I smirked and took a sip of the tea I had ordered.

“We will not. I do not know about Lieutenant Uhura, but I am already engaged in a romantic relationship.”

“With who?”

He stared at me pointedly.  

“Give me a break.” I took another sip of tea.

“Captain?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you aware Dr. McCoy has romantic feelings toward you?”

I choked on the tea. “We are _not_ discussing that.”

“But—”

“What Bones feels for me is none of your damn business.”

“I disagree.”

“You don’t get to disagree.”

“You are my mate.”

“No, Spock.”

“Repeatedly denying it will not change what is.”

I glared at him. “Oh, I don’t know, Spock, you managed to deny it all the way to a severing the bond ceremony and oh yeah a fucking marriage.”

“I admit I made some mistakes.”

“Like coming back now is a doozy.”

We both lapsed into silence. The waitress arrived with our food and we both merely stared at it.

“I only mention it because in the time of Pon Farr I will view Dr. McCoy as a threat and may harm him unintentionally.”

“What?”

“During my time, Jim,” Spock said quietly. “You will need to keep him away from both of us.”

“I don’t want Bones. Not like that,” I said, feeling miserable.

“That does not matter. Not in Pon Farr.”

I stared at him for a long time and he stared back. “I really hate you.”

His gaze did not waver. “I am aware of your disdain.”

I sighed, relented. “I’ll be sure he stays away.”

Spock nodded and picked up his fork.


	5. Chapter 5

“You’re staring again.” I pointed out as I pulled out my credit chip to pay for lunch.

“I apologize,” Spock said stiffly.

“Why do you keep staring at me like that anyway?”

“I find your appearance very appealing.”

I rolled my eyes. “Since when?”

“I have always found it appealing, however, I admit that more recently it is difficult to look away.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Well try.”

The waitress came by for the restaurant check and she smiled at me. “Thanks, ho—” She stopped, eyed Spock. “Sir.”

She took the check and my credit chip and walked away.

Spock glared at her. “She desires you.”

“Give me a break.”

“I am aware you copulated last evening.”

“Excuse me?”

“The Orion pheromones,” Spock said quietly.

“Oh. Well, sorry…wait. I don’t owe you any apologies. Who I fuck is none of your damn business.”

“You are my mate.”

“Stop saying that.”

“Were I to stop it still would not change the fact. So, you are incorrect because who you fuck, as you say, is very much my business.”

His voice had gone very hard and cold. I tried not to shiver. This was the lethal Spock. I didn’t want to incur that wrath again.

But I couldn’t really help myself. “This mate thing works both ways, doesn’t it?

“Affirmative.”

“Well, you were fucking Uhura while mated to me, weren’t you?”

“As I stated I made mistakes.”

“What? The great Spock isn’t infallible?”

The waitress returned with my credit chip and I rose from the table. So did Spock.

“All right, Commander,” I said, deliberately using his title. “I need to go speak with Bones, so—”

“I will accompany you.”

“You’ll do what?” I stared at him. His cheeks were green, his dark eyes somewhat feverish. “Okay, Spock, what the fuck aren’t you telling me now?”

Spock grabbed my arm, which caused both of us to jump a little when our skin zinged with searing heat, and led me out of the restaurant to a small alcove off the building next to the restaurant.

“I may have neglected to advise you just how imminent my time is.”

“Your? Oh my God. Are you telling me you are already going into Pon Farr?”

Spock nodded. “I am in the beginning stages. It is unknown how long it will be before I am in full Pon Farr. I have never entered into the condition and being half human it is uncertain.”

I blew out a breath. “So this is why you got yourself assigned back on board the Enterprise? So you could use me as your whore?”

Spock’s eyes widened. “Captain—”

“You’re unbelievable. You don’t want me any more than you did before. Just the fucking bond is doing its fucked up thing and forcing you to mate and I’m the lucky idiot. And, Jesus, Spock, you could at least call me Jim when you’re using me as your bond whore.”

Spock had gone very pale. “That is not it at all.”

“Bullshit. It’s exactly it. And if I were the selfish bastard you once thought I was I’d let you just die. But I can’t. Not you. And we both know it. And God, I really hate you for doing this to me.”

“Jim—”

“Whatever. Save it. I’m still going to see Bones. If you have to come then fine.”

“Do you believe that is wise under the circumstances?”

I glared at him. “Do you feel the need to attack me right now?”

Spock took a moment before answering. “No.”

“Then it’ll be fine. You can wait outside his apartment while I talk to him.”

“I do not know if I can leave you alone with him.”

“Too fucking bad. What I have to say…well you are the last one that needs to hear it.”

We began to walk again and Spock fell into easy step with me, though he walked next to me far too closely.

“You wish to speak of his feelings toward you?”

“Shut up.”

“What do you intend to say?” Spock asked.

“I intend to tell you to mind your own damn business. And do not say we are mates and I am your business.”

Spock arched a brow. “You already know this.”

“Just stop talking.” 


	6. Chapter 6

Bones frowned at me when he opened his apartment door, his gaze going past me to my shadow, also known as Spock.

“Can we talk?” I asked.

“Who is we?”

I glanced behind me. “Spock is staying outside. I couldn’t get rid of him.”

“Come again?”

“Long story. Spock’s…um…well, I guess he’s in Pon Farr or about to be and so anyway. Um. Can I come in?”

Bones sighed but opened his door wide. As I stepped inside, Spock was right on my heels.

“I told you to stay outside,” I reminded him.

“If the doctor wishes to have his front door intact it might be best if I wait inside.”

“Huh?”

“It is better to have you within my sight at present,” Spock explained.

Bones rolled his eyes. “Let him come in. The more idiots the merrier.”

Clenching my jaw, I closed the door behind both of us. “All right, but this conversation is private.”

Spock nodded. “I do now wish to interfere.”

“Hang out in the kitchen or somewhere,” I told him. “And geez, why does it feel like I’m babysitting you or something.”

I went into Bones’ living room and we sat down. This was going to be hard, but I needed to do it and Bones deserved it.

“So, um, listen,” I said, studying my fingernails. “About last night.”

“Forget it,” Bones said gently.

“No, I don’t want to forget it. My behavior was shitty. I drank too much and you know what a jerk I am when I do that. I was feeling sorry for myself and you were right when I said I don’t think about anyone else. I was hurting so I guess I wanted to lash out. But I’d rather cut off my arm than hurt you and I know I did. I’m really sorry, Bones.”

Bones smiled just a little. “It’s gonna take more than that to make me mad at you. But you won’t get any argument out of me when you call yourself a jackass.”

I frowned. “I don’t think I called myself that.”

“Okay, then I am calling you that.” Bones glanced toward the kitchen and then back at me. “You think I was born yesterday? I know it’s all about Spock for you. Always has been since you first locked gazes with him at your hearing. You have to feel the way you feel, Jim. We all do. It doesn’t make it easy sometimes but we’re friends. You’re my best friend and that’s the way it’s gonna stay.”

I smiled and hugged him. “You really are the best.” And then I winced as white hot jealousy flashed through my mind. I gritted my teeth. “Spock, you’re supposed to be shielding.”

“My control is not at optimal, Captain.”

Bones smirked. “Is he projecting?”

“Yeah, he’s jealous or something.”

“Jim’s got himself a jealous boyfriend.”

“He’s not my boyfriend. And this is all temporary anyway. He only came back so he won’t die when Pon Farr hits. I have every intention of telling him to take a hike when it’s over.”

“You sure about that, Jim?”

I wasn’t. Not by a long shot. But no one could break me like Spock could break me and I couldn’t let him do it again. “Yeah, trust me. You and I are good then?”

“Told you before we were.”

“I know, but I had to be sure. You’re too damn good to me, Bones, and we both know it.”

“We definitely do.”

I squeezed his knee, ignoring the flare of jealousy from Spock again, and stood. “I better get the Neanderthal back to my apartment.”

“I am Vulcan,” Spock called out from the kitchen.

“Stop listening,” I called back.

“You sure you wanna be alone with him?”

I rolled my eyes. “I think that’s kind of the point of Pon Farr.”

“You need anything you let me know.”

“Okay.”

“And I want to hear from you at least once a day, even if the hobgoblin is in Pon Farr. Got it?”

“Yeah, I got it.” I almost hugged him again but became aware that Spock had moved closer and was standing nearby, staring intently at me. I cleared my throat. “Talk soon.” 


	7. Chapter 7

“Spock, you can’t glare at everyone who looks at me for any reason.”

“I believe I have established that I can, Captain,” Spock said very seriously.

“God save me.”

“You are unwell?”

I huffed a breath. “Just behave yourself.” We got on the elevator to go up to my floor.

“I was unaware I was misbehaving, Captain.”

“Really? You think it’s normal to threaten to rip off someone’s arm?”

“The man put his hand on you.”

“Just to push me out of his way so he could get by.”

Spock gave a small shrug. “He had no right to push you.”

“You still can’t go around threatening violence to people. That’s not acceptable, Spock.”

“Normally, I would agree with you. My control is compromised where you are concerned.”

“Swell.” The elevator doors opened onto my floor and we made our way down the hall to my apartment. After I got us in the door and closed it back up again, I moved to the kitchen. “Tea?”

“I would appreciate it.”

I made myself busy preparing our tea and Spock watched me with an intensity that was both arousing and alarming.

“I will not harm you.”

“Are you reading my thoughts?”

“As my time comes closer my shields continue to waiver. Thus the bond is more open.” Spock inclined his head. “To both of us.”

“That’s why I can feel your jealousy.”

“Yes. You were worried earlier today about violence toward yourself at my hand.”

I shrugged. “I did think about when you tried to strangle me.”

“That will never be repeated.”

I smirked a little as I poured the tea. “Are you certain?”

“Quite. I could never harm my t’hy’la.”

I raised my gaze to his then and saw the torment there. “Does that not apply to emotional pain?”

“Jim—”

“Never mind. Here’s your tea.” I handed it to him, careful not to touch any of my skin to his. “Did you bring your PADD or something? I mean surely you can’t just stare at me until you’re ready to fuck me?”

“I did bring my PADD. There is much to prepare for the departure of the Enterprise.”

“I’m not sure that’ll be your concern, Spock.”

“Captain?”

“That’s why you came back, isn’t it? Because of the Pon Farr. From your behavior, I think we’re gonna be screwing like rabbits fairly soon.”

“Humans have a peculiar way of comparing their sexual activities to other creatures.”

“Yeah, we’re odd that way. I figured once you were guaranteed to make it, you’d be on your way and I wouldn’t see you for seven years when the next one hits.”

Spock sipped his tea. “It is true that had the Pon Farr not been imminent I would not have returned to your side.”

I suspected it, but still my breath caught at his admission. “Thought so.”

“Not for the reasons you imagine.”

“You mean not wanting to die?”

“I do not especially but I would have accepted it had it been necessary.” Spock followed me when I went into the living room to gaze out at the sunset. “Jim, I did not desire to cause you additional pain. I thought it would be preferable to stay away from you due to my prior actions.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and ignored the pain in my heart. I didn’t turn around. “Well you’re right. I don’t need additional pain, Spock. Since it’s clear you don’t want me any more than you did before, when this is all over, when your Pon Farr is done, I want you gone.”

For a long time Spock said nothing, but then he shifted ever so slightly. “As you wish, Captain.”

When I turned around he was no longer behind me and the door to the spare room closed with a click.


	8. Chapter 8

I knocked on the door of the spare room and when there was no answer I opened it. Spock, dressed in robes, sat in the middle of the bedroom floor.

I had taken a nap earlier myself so I supposed it was possible Spock had left to collect his things.

“Are you meditating?”

He glanced up at me, his dark eyes stormy. “I was.”

“Don’t blame me,” I said with a shrug. “How was I supposed to know?” I yawned. “Where’d you get the robes?”

“I wear them for meditation.”

“Yeah, I didn’t ask that. I didn’t see you with a bag earlier.”

“I had them brought here along with some other belongings.”

I crossed my arms over my chest as he stood up. His gaze raked over me. I was wearing only a pair of sweatpants. I hadn’t felt particularly uncomfortable until that moment when it seemed as though I might as well be naked judging by the smoldering look in his eyes.

“Plan to stay a while?” I asked, clearing my throat.

“It will be easier to be near you when the fever starts.”

“Easier, huh? So then we can go right to town?”

Spock frowned. “We would be best to stay here rather than going to town.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re something else. I was about to make dinner. You want something?”

Spock followed me into the kitchen and I was aware his gaze was on my ass the whole way.

“You aren’t very subtle.”

“Captain?”

“You’re staring at my ass.”

“It is very pleasing to stare at.”

“Great.” I opened the fridge.

“You are used to male sexual practices, are you not?”

I eyed him over the door of the fridge. “Are you asking me if I have had sex with guys?”

Spock shifted. “Yes.”

“Well, no worries there, Spock. I’ve done plenty.”

“I do not wish to hear about your many exploits,” Spock snapped coldly.

“Look, asshole, you’re the one who brought up my exploits. Jesus.”

“I merely asked about your experience.” Spock’s cheeks were flushed green.

“Experience this.” I flipped him off and turned my back to him. Juvenile I supposed, but fuck, Spock pissed me off. “I’m making eggs. You can eat eggs, right?”

“Affirmative.”

I bent over to take a skillet out of the cabinet and Spock’s hands were suddenly on my ass. I straightened. “Hey, hey, watch it.”

“You are displaying your backside.”

“To get the pan.” I shook my head. “Fine, you get it out of the cabinet. God help me, I have to deal with a horny Vulcan.”

Spock removed the skillet from the cabinet and handed it to me. “What would you like for me to do?”

“Are you capable of functioning?”

Spock seemed to think about it. “Yes, but only if you cover yourself.”

I frowned. “Huh?”

Spock licked his lips and looked pointedly at my bare chest.

“Oh.” I nodded. “Sorry. Wasn’t really thinking you might be tempted by my hot bod.”

“I am,” Spock said seriously.

“I was kidding.”

“I am not.”

I rolled my eyes. “Okay. I’ll put on a shirt. You start the coffee maker.”

“I do not consume coffee.”

“Well, how nice for you, but I do. So put it on. Sheesh.” I turned and left the kitchen to fetch a shirt.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

When I came back into the kitchen wearing a blue T-shirt, Spock turned from fiddling with the coffee maker to stare at me.

More like gape at me. His mouth hung open and I thought about making some sort of comment about catching flies but thought better of it when I realized he was breathing heavily.

“What is it now?”

“The blue of your shirt matches your eyes.”

Well, of course, I had chosen that shirt on purpose. Probably kind of perverse of me. “Does it?”

“Yes.” Spock moved closer to me until he was pretty much standing in my space. I could feel his breath on my face. “I desire you.”

I swallowed. “Yeah. I, uh, got that idea. How-how much longer until the fever begins?”

“I am not sure.” Spock’s eyes darkened. “I could take you now, however, I would not be satisfied fully until the Pon Farr begins.”

“Yeah. I mean no. We’ll wait. I gotta eat anyway.”

Spock’s head tilted until his lips were almost on mine, but not quite. “Soon you will be mine for the taking.”

“Uh, sure.” I stepped back. “But for now, I want food, so get out of my space, Spock.” I walked around him to the stove but I felt his gaze on my back.

“I wish to talk to you.”

“Talk to me?” I pulled out a spatula from a drawer and cracked open an egg over the pan.

“To explain.”

“Explain what?” I asked without turning around.

“My previous behavior.”

I shrugged. “You mean why you were certain I was some sort of deceitful bastard who raped your mind and connected us?”

“Jim—”

With a sigh I shook my head. “It’s okay, Spock. I know you didn’t want me.”

“That is not true. I do.”

“Because it’s almost your time. That’s why.”

“I knew you wanted me then. I thought it would not be wise.”

“You wanted her.” Even now the words tasted bitter to me. My heart twisted, making it hard to breathe, hard to feel anything but heartache.

“It was not so simple. I chose what I thought was the most logical path.”

I turned then and flipped the egg onto a plate. His gaze was steady but intense. “Yeah being with me is always the harder path. I can see why you would choose anything else.”

“T’hy’la—”

“Don’t ever call me that, Spock. Whatever we are we are _not_ that. Never that. I’ll be your whore so you can live, but you don’t get to think of me as anything other than a vessel to save your life.”

I put the skillet back on the stove and walked out of the kitchen and out the front door. I couldn’t stand to be anywhere near him. It hurt too fucking much.

****

When I returned more than an hour later the door to the spare room was closed and I could smell incense. I figured Spock was meditating. The kitchen had been cleaned and the coffee pot turned off.

I went to my own room and started the shower, stripping out of my clothes. I stepped into the glass shower, closed my eyes and soaped up. Somehow I sensed Spock’s presence even before the door of the shower opened. I knew he was coming. His arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me against him.

“Spock,” I gasped, feeling his erection against my ass.

“Ashaya,” he whispered hoarsely. He dipped down to bite the cord of my neck. “I burn for you.”


	10. Chapter 10

“Spock? Are you—?”

“Yessss,” Spock fairly hissed. “Take. Want.”

I closed my eyes, leaned back against his powerful body. His desire inflamed mine. Was it supposed to be that way?

_Spock? You’re in my mind?_

_Yes, ashaya._

“Spock, I want.”

“You are my mate, you want as I do.” He moved away from me then and I whimpered at the loss. “I must have the lubricant. I will not hurt you, no matter how the fever burns.”

Spock reached behind him for lube and came back to me immediately, pulling me flush against him. His arousal made me burn like I was in the fever, hot, steaming, wanting.

His fingers, slicked with lube, reached between my cheeks and he shoved them in, a little roughly, but I didn’t care. I just wanted a part of him in me. Any part, so I pushed back against his probing fingers feeling their sting as they spread me open.

It felt like he was becoming a part of me, I was floating and he was carrying me. I quivered under his hands…his lips everywhere. Then his fingers withdrew and he stabbed his cock inside me, pushing me against the tiled walls of the shower.

He plunged into me again and again, not gently but not as rough as I might have expected. Just urgent, demanding and needy.  He picked up my legs, easily holding my waist as I braced my hands on the wall and he sawed into me deep and slow, hard and fast.

Spock’s hand grasped my cock as he ground into me again and again. Mewling low in my throat, I came hard, splattering the shower with my cum. Spock’s release followed mine less than a minute later and then he was carrying me from the shower to the bed.

My lids closed heavily, my breaths hard and short in my chest. Spock’s arms wrapped around me and I dozed off.

When I woke again, Spock was looming over me, entering me, pushing into me, starting the mating all over again. I wrapped my legs around his waist and rode him until we were both shaking with our release.

Much later, Spock left the bed and I whimpered. He’d taken me too many times to count, the fever driving both of us to fuck as much as possible. I was sore and wiped out but I needed him there. I needed him touching me.

“Shh,” he said. “I will be back. You need food.”

“No, just you.”

“Ashaya—”

“Spock, please.”

He returned to the bed and pulled me into his arms, the feel of his bare skin instantly cooling my agitation. Spock’s hands went to my face and I froze.

“No?” his whisper was pained, hoarse.

I remembered the meld with the other Spock. The sorrow. The pain. The information transference. I shook my head. “No, it’s all right. You can.”

He closed his eyes with relief and put his fingers on my meld points. I felt his powerful desire but also a deep love and realizing it was for me stole my breath. His eyes flew open and our gazes met and I saw that love reflected in the depths of his dark eyes.

“I don’t—why?”

Spock shuddered, his eyes suddenly alight with desire and his hands spread over my chest, my stomach, down to my hip bones. “Jim—”

It was not the time for long conversations. Spock loomed over me and I opened myself for him to take me once more.

****

Three days later when I woke up  after the start of it, I felt completely different than I had through the days of the fever. I was exhausted, battered, and bruised, but I knew it was over. I turned over to find Spock only to see the bed was empty.

Next to the bed was a hypo and some food as well as a cup of coffee. I shook my head and stabbed the hypo into my neck, feeling some of my energy return. The coffee was still hot. I sipped it and got out of bed, looking to see where he had gone to.

When I couldn’t find him, I knew and the sudden shredding of my heart was staggering to me. I dropped to my knees, my head screaming with pain, too.  Of course I had told him to go when it was over. I demanded he go. And he had listened. Damn him.

My mind flashed to the blade in my bathroom. No more pain. No more.

 _Spock_.

I made my way to the bathroom and opened the drawer, grasped the sharp blade and held it to my wrist.


	11. Chapter 11

_It will be easier._

_What will?_

_I have been and always shall be your friend._

_We are traveling at warp speed, how did you manage to beam aboard this ship?_

_If Spock were here and I were in there, what would he do?_

_He’d let you die._

_I will go with you, Captain._

_How’s our ship?_

_Out of danger._

I woke with a gasp, my lungs seizing with the pain of breath. I struggled to sit up.

“Easy, easy, Jim.” Bones' hands gently pushed me back down. “You’re all right.”

I blinked several times, staring up at the ceiling. I felt bandages on my wrists. My throat clogged with emotion. “You found me?”

“Not me.” Bones brushed hair off my forehead. His touch was achingly gentle.

“Who then?”

“Who do you think? Spock.”

“He left me.”

Bones sighed, shook his head. “No, he didn’t. But that’s not for me to explain. Not now anyway.” He looked very weary. Very sad. “You’re grounded, Jim. Pending a psych evaluation. And you have visitors.”

“Visitors?”

“David wants to see you. Carol has brought him.”

I closed my eyes, clenching tight. “Damn it. God, I’m such an idiot.”

“You won’t get any argument from me,” Bones said, then squeezed my shoulder. “But according to Spock at least part of the problem might be your bond.”

“How?”

“Something about it being damaged. He’ll have to explain it, because I sure as hell wasn’t listening. I was too busy wrapping my hands around his Vulcan throat.”

“Bones.”

Bones sighed again, staring at me, and his eyes looked just a little wet.

“Are you mad at me?”

Bones shook his head. “I should be. But no. You should have commed me though.”

“Things got a little…intense.”

“Yeah. They got a little intense here, too.”

“I’m sorry, Bones.”

He nodded. “Do you want to see your son?”

I took a deep breath, and then nodded. “Help me sit up, will you?”

Bones raised the hospital bed. He stared at me for a long time without saying anything. “Listen, Jim. I don’t ever want to have to stitch up parts of you because of shit you did to yourself again. Understand?”

“Bones, I’m sorry,” I said again, unsure what else to say.

“You keep saying that. I don’t wanna live in a universe without you in it. You got that?”

I nodded, feeling the sting of tears.

“Pull yourself together. I’m bringing David in.”

Bones stepped away from me and out of the room. A few minutes later Carol and David walked in. David ran up to my bed at once and scrambled on to it.

“Daddy.”

I gave him my brightest smile. “Hey, slugger.”

“Are you gonna be all right?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“Mommy says you got hurt.”

I looked at Carol, her eyes were sad, but I was glad not to see any judgment there.

“Yeah, I did. But I’ll get better very soon.”

David nodded and leaned his head against my stomach. I smiled, forcing away the tears, and stroked his blond hair.

****

“What part about contact me during Spock’s Pon Farr didn’t you understand?” Bones asked me when Carol and David had left.

“I meant to, Bones,” I assured him. “My intentions were there. We just got…um…busy.”

He rolled his eyes. “Apparently. You had some bruising and tears but nothing that bad. I actually expected worse given what I’ve heard about it from M’Benga.”

“Spock was pretty gentle, actually. Kind of surprised me, too. So, um, where is Spock?”

“I’m not sure at the moment,” Bones replied. He put a tray of hospital food over my lap. “He was here until just before you woke up. You know Spock isn’t always my favorite person. God knows I wonder what you see in him, especially after the marrying Uhura shit, but he told me the Vulcan Voodoo thing between you is what saved you. He heard you call for him.”

I stabbed at the piece of chicken on my plate. “Yeah, I did call for him.”

“What the fuck, Jim? Why’d you do it?”

“I-I don’t really know anymore. I was so sad. I woke up after the Pon Farr and Spock was gone. I told him to leave. And I thought—”

“Doctor, I need to speak to the captain alone,” Spock said from the doorway. His sudden appearance startled both of us but Bones turned to him immediately.

Bones looked ready to start choking Spock again. “Spock—”

“Doctor,” Spock returned, calmly. I don’t think either of us was fooled though. Spock’s shoulders were tense, his eyes stormy, dark and intense.

“Okay,” Bones said after several seconds of hesitation.

I wasn’t sure I was ready to be alone with Spock again but didn’t think I should deny Spock either.

“I’m just a comm away, Jim,” Bones assured me, then he got close, almost in my face. “If you need _anything_ , you call me immediately.” He paused when he reached the door and exchanged a look with Spock I wasn’t sure I could interpret and then he left and closed the door.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

“There is a healer I wish you to see,” Spock said quietly, still standing by the door of the room.

“Bones already patched me up.” I didn’t meet his gaze, in fact kept my eyes on the bland food in front of me.

“Not a physician of the body. A mind healer.”

“A shrink?”

“Negative.” Spock finally walked closer to my bed. He stopped toward the foot of the hospital bed. “This is a Vulcan mind healer that works with damaged bonds. Unlike with a psychiatrist, your mind, as it relates to the bond, would be repaired.”

“Repaired or severed?” I still did not look at him.

“I told you the bond is permanent.”

“But it can be damaged.”

“Yes. The fault is mine.”

I did look up then and noted the sorrow in his brown eyes. “Is it?”

“My actions of the past have caused tears in the bond. Pon Farr saved my life but it did not repair the damaged bond. I do not know why. But I believe this is why you sought to end your life. The bond made you feel abandoned by your mate. It has likely been doing this damage to you for months.”

I frowned. “So, you’re saying the depression comes from our bond?”

“Likely. As well as my rejection of your feelings.”

“Great. And when am I supposed to see this healer?”

Spock shifted. “When you are released from the hospital I will bring you to T’Pau.”

“I’ve heard of her.”

“She is an elder and a powerful mind healer. Also a member of my father’s household.”

I pushed away the tray and Spock collected it from me and set it on a table nearby. “Do we have to go to New Vulcan?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” I said after a moment, once again not meeting his eyes.

Spock didn’t say anything for several minutes, but I was certainly aware he was staring at me.

“You’re okay now?” I finally asked.

“No.”

I glanced at him quickly. “No? It’s not over?”

“The Pon Farr has passed but the damaged bond also affects my mind, Captain. And there is the added fact of your distress.”

“Aren’t you shielding?”

“I am now but during Pon Farr I was unable to do so. Even now my control is fragile. I feel your pain…your emotional turmoil bleeds through. My mind echoes it.” Spock finally came to stand next to me. “I wish to understand why you attempted to take your own life.”

I shook my head. “The immediate reason? You left.”

“You did ask me to leave when Pon Farr was over.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. It doesn’t make sense. I’m fucked up.”

Spock watched me carefully and then reached for my hand. He turned it over and ran a finger tip over the bandages on my wrist. “You felt my regard for you. I was unable to keep it from you. Likewise, I felt yours.”

“Yeah.” I watched his finger. “I’ve never pretended I didn’t want you.”

“Want, desire…it is not love. You wanted the Orion woman the other night.”

I merely nodded, mesmerized by his touch.

“I did not want to leave.”

“But you did.”

“No. I intended to come back. I needed a few items from my apartment. I did not think I would be long and I left you sleeping. I provided food and a beverage.”

“You were coming back?”

“I wished to talk about what we would do in the future. I knew you had told me to leave but after our shared minds during the link I thought your feelings might have changed on that subject.” Spock paused, moved his fingers up to mine in the Vulcan kiss. “I hoped. No matter how illogical that might be.”

“Yeah.” I sighed and closed my eyes. “I can’t freak out like that every time I think you’re going to leave, Spock.”

“I agree. But I do not intend to leave your side again.”

“You can’t promise that.”

“I do.”

I opened my eyes and peered at him. “Because of the bond.”

“You believe my affection is merely from our bond? We were friends before our minds linked.”

“Friends only.”

“Neither of us actually believes that, Captain.”

Part of me did, though. Still. “Jim.”

“We have been drawn together since the start, Jim. I did not want to believe in destiny. It is not logical. When your mind invaded mine while I was unconscious I thought it was against my will. Your way of saving me without my wishing to be saved. I was angry you would meld with me without my consent.”

“I didn’t even know what I was doing. I just wanted you to live.”

Spock nodded. “I did not know that any meld between us would have resulted in the t’hy’la bond connecting. I believed it was somehow a manipulation by you. But it lay dormant waiting for such a moment.” He paused again, as though choosing his words carefully. “I did not want to be bonded to you.”

The pain in my chest surprised me even now. “Yeah, I know.”

His brown eyes softened. “You are impossible and illogical and infuriating. You are also brilliant, passionate, and more compelling than any one I have ever known. And you are mine. You were always mine.” Spock closed his eyes briefly, shaking his head. “I should have accepted you. You make me feel too intensely. Even now it overpowers me, breaks my control. Nyota was the safe choice. I felt friendship and affection for her and with her I could possibly have offspring some day. After I went to New Vulcan, I thought the bond had been severed but it had not. When I married Nyota, I knew it was in error and so did she. The bond reacted badly to our marriage. Nyota accused me of wanting…loving you. I could not deny it. I learned when speaking with my counterpart that everything I thought I knew was a mistake. He was very displeased with my actions.”

“Spock—”

“Jim, you are my t’hy’la and I will never leave you or want another again. I vow this. Even if you do not want me. Even if you do not love me. It is the way of things. I cannot leave your side. Please…do not make me.” 


	13. Chapter 13

Before I could form a reply, if I even knew what to say, Bones opened the door to my room. Spock stiffened but did not turn around.

“What’s going on?” Bones asked, walking in.

“We were not yet finished, doctor.”

“Yeah, well, I have a patient to attend to, Spock.” Bones looked at me. “What’s going on, Jim?” he asked again.

“I guess as soon as you release me I’m going to New Vulcan.”

“Spock, can you leave us alone?” Bones asked in a very calm voice.

Spock, if it were possible, got stiffer. “You are asking me to depart?”

“That’s right, you hobgoblin,” Bones said in the same calm voice. It was sort of eerie. “I need to speak to Jim alone.”

Spock looked at me. His expression was blank but I could feel his uncertainty in my mind. Weird. “It’s all right, Spock.”

“I will be right outside the door,” Spock said, straightening.

“As long as it’s outside the door, Spock, we’re good.” Bones smiled.

“Doctor—”

“Go, Spock. I’m not attempting to steal Jim while you are out of the room.” Bones rolled his eyes.

“Very well.”

When Spock had departed, Bones turned to me. “Are you out of your corn fed mind?”

“Bones.”

“Don’t you Bones me. Last time he went to New Vulcan he tried to sever your bond. Is that what’s going on?”

“No. He wants some Vulcan elder to heal it. Me. Whatever. He says his previous treatment of me damaged the bond. That and the attempt to destroy it.”

“Well, no shit, he didn’t think of all this before?”

I shrugged. “I guess not.”

Bones sighed. “Look, I know you love him. I think somewhere in that heartless body of his, Spock might even love you. You know how I feel about the way he hurt you. I’ve said all I’m gonna say on that before. But just…be careful.”

“You think I’m fragile?”

“With anyone else? Not even close. With Spock, hell yeah. You just tried to kill yourself, Jim, and it was all tied up with him. I don’t like it. I don’t have to like it, I know. You’re always gonna follow the hobgoblin. He’s your soulmate, blah blah. And Spock told me all that damaged bond crap.”

“You feel that strongly, come with us.” I smiled and reached for his hand, which he gave me. I squeezed it.

Bones scowled. “Don’t think I won’t.”

“I know you will.” I felt Spock’s agitation, his unrest. It thrummed low but it was there, getting stronger. “He’s getting pissy out there.”

“Spock? Getting pissy?” Bones snorted. He went to the door and opened it.

Spock was looming in the doorway. His gaze went to me immediately. “Captain?”

“I’m fine, Spock. Bones, when can I get out of here?”

“I guess you’re all right to release. I don’t want you to be alone so—”

“He is not alone,” Spock said immediately. “I am staying with him until the arrangements can be made to depart for New Vulcan.”

Bones looked to me. “Is that okay with you, Jim?”

I didn’t answer at first. Part of me didn’t want to deal with all this emotional baggage, but that would mean I was as fragile as Bones feared. Plus if Spock and I were going to be together—and I wasn’t sure—being together instead of apart seemed wise. It wasn’t something we had ever done before. Not really.

It must have taken me too long to answer though, because Spock moved forward into the hospital room, practically charging toward me. His eyes showed his turmoil. He was supposedly out of Pon Farr but I had my doubts.

“Yeah, it’s okay.”

Spock visibly relaxed.

“How soon are we going to New Vulcan?” Bones asked.

The eyebrow shot up. “We, doctor?”

I nodded. “Bones is going.”

“As his physician I think it best to ensure his welfare. You should appreciate that, Spock.”

“Very well. I can come up with no objection. I anticipate leaving in three days.”

Bones opened his mouth like he intended to say something, then he closed it and shrugged. “I’ll fill out the forms. And you need a psych eval, still.”

****

I frowned when Spock pulled his hover car in front of a building. “This isn’t my apartment, it’s yours.”

“Indeed. I can take better care of you here.”

“I don’t need to be taken care of, Spock.”

“I do not agree.”

“I’m your captain.”

“At the moment we are not in our professional capacity so pulling rank is not relevant. You are my bondmate, my t’hy’la, and whether you desire it or not, it is my right…my duty…to see to your care.”

“All of a sudden?”

“Negative. You are aware I neglected my duties with regard to you previously. I do not intend to do so again.”

I sighed and got out of the vehicle, tired of arguing with him. Which I supposed had been his intention. When Spock reached for my arm as though I needed to be helped upstairs like an invalid, I moved away.

Spock frowned. “Captain—”

“I’m not your captain right now, remember? And I’m completely capable of walking into the building and to your apartment without assistance.”

“Jim, you just lost a lot of blood and I—I am concerned.”

I took pity on him and rested my hand briefly on his arm. “It’s all right, Spock. I’m here and I’m okay.”

Spock nodded sharply and followed me into the building and then the lift. We didn’t speak again until we entered his apartment. Just inside the door I spotted a suitcase.

“Is that my stuff?” I asked recognizing the bag.

“Affirmative. I arranged for your belongings to be brought here by Mr. Scott and Mr. Sulu. They included enough clothing for our voyage to New Vulcan.”

“You’ve certainly thought ahead, haven’t you, Mr. Spock?”

“Your welfare—”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. You’re singing a different tune these days.” I eyed him, noticed the intensity of his gaze. “Are you still in Pon Farr?”

“I do not believe so.”

I nodded. “Okay. So, where, um, where am I staying?”

“This way.” And for some reason I was not at all surprised when he led me toward what I knew to be his room.


	14. Chapter 14

“Spock.” I stopped before his room. “Don’t you think the spare room would be a better idea?”

He shook his head. “I do not think being separated would be good for the bond.”

“We’re already separated, Spock. I know the bond is precious to you and all that, or is now, because it certainly wasn’t before, but I’m not like you. I can’t just turn it on and off. I’m still dealing with all this.”

“I am aware, however, your attempt at severing our bond has affected me.”

“ _My_ attempt?”

Spock reached for my hands, grasped them, and then turned them over to look at my wrists. Bones had regenerated the wounds and the bandages had been removed but the scars were there, a potent reminder for both of us. “If you had died the bond would have been severed and all would be lost.”

My heart thudded hard in my chest. “Well, that’s pretty dramatic, isn’t it?” I tried to joke my way out of the intense emotions pulsing from him.

His gaze rose from my scarred wrists to rest on my face. The love I glimpsed in his eyes made my breath catch.

“I would spend a lifetime erasing all that I have done with regard to you.”

Spock stepped closer to me until my back was against the wall. The bond radiated sudden hot desire…need. I was not unaffected by it. I could not be. My own arousal increased and my cock rose to full erection, pressing against my trousers.

“Are you—” I was surprised at the squeak in my own voice. I cleared my throat to try again. “Are you sure you’re not in Pon Farr?”

“I do not need the Vulcan time of mating to desire to take you,” Spock said in a gruff voice.

“Uh. No?” I licked my lips, his gaze followed the movement of my tongue.

He shook his head, tilted it so that our lips were lined up. “I crave you. I cannot get enough of you.”

My eyes widened just as his lips covered mine in a hungry, demanding kiss. I should protest, shouldn’t I? I knew I should, yet instead, I wrapped my arms around his neck and returned the kiss with all the pent up passion I had. Spock growled against my lips and I couldn’t help wondering once again if he really knew what he was talking about with Pon Farr.

His hands moved to my ass, kneading my cheeks, and pulling my crotch closer to his, rubbing us together. I pulled back from him just far enough to pull my shirt off and fling it to the floor and then I was kissing him again, thrusting my tongue deep into his mouth.

Spock lifted me, his hands still on my ass, his Vulcan strength as hot as fucking hell, as he carried me into his room and tossed me onto his bed. He yanked off my shoes and then reached for the fastenings of my pants, undoing them quickly and efficiently. With smooth movements he had me naked, lying on my back, staring up at him with wide eyes and swollen lips as he swiftly divested himself of his own clothing.

He pulled out lube from a drawer and then he was on me, kissing me, stroking me, devouring me. We both panted heavily, out of breath, out of protests, just wanting, needing.

I shifted to my stomach as Spock’s long fingers pressed into me, sawing their way in. I whimpered, pushed against his probing digits, begging for more.

“Spock,” I gasped, burying my face in the blankets of his bed. He rose above me, replacing his fingers with his rigid cock, pushing between my cheeks, shoving inside me deep.

Spock rode me hard, rough, pushing into me until I couldn’t stop the moans from pouring from my lips. I pushed back against him, fucking him just as hard as he fucked me. I didn’t know how long we lasted. Could have been seconds, could have been hours of his pounding into me. My skin was slicked with sweat as his cock rammed me…found my prostate…made me scream.

When relief came and I expended myself all over the blankets beneath me, I came hard, shaking, with an intensity I didn’t know if I’d ever felt. Spock released his seed inside me only moments later, biting my neck as he emptied inside me.

Spock collapsed on me, still within me, and I heard the soft sounds of his measured breathing just before I was out.

****

When I woke I was alone in his bed, somehow moved to under the blankets, and I wondered how he’d done that without waking me. My ass was pleasantly sore and next to the bed was a cup of his herbal tea and a big fluffy white towel.

Coming from the kitchen, I assumed, was the inviting scent of baking bread. I rose from the bed, wrapping myself in one of his meditation robes, which I knew he would disapprove of, and grabbed the tea. I padded barefoot out to the kitchen and watched as he leaned down to take Vulcan bread out of the oven.

“I wasn’t aware you were so domesticated, Spock,” I drawled, leaning against the counter.

He raised his eyebrow at me. “That is my robe.”

I grinned. “Yeah. Looks good on me, doesn’t it?”

His smoldering gaze raked over me causing my pulse to shoot up again. “It does.”

I cleared my throat, deciding teasing him had backfired and now I was getting turned on again. I took a sip of the tea he’d left me. “I, uh, thanks for the towel. I guess I’ll go take a shower.”

Spock nodded. “When you are finished, I will have dinner prepared.”

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“You really are domesticated. Who knew?”

“I am merely capable of making food that isn’t replicated. It does not make me domesticated.”

“If you say so, Mr. Spock. What are we having?”

“Aldronn Feltara, Kreyla, and T’mirak rice.”

I frowned. “Okay, I know the bread is Kreyla. Have no clue what the other stuff is. Well, okay, I can guess the rice is…rice.”

“Indeed.”

I finished the tea and set the cup on the counter. “I guess I’ll go get that shower.”

“We will have visitors soon,” Spock said just as I turned to go to the bathroom.

“Visitors?”

“Mr. Scott, Mr. Sulu, Mr. Chekov, Dr. McCoy, and Ms. Uhura are coming for dinner.”

I blinked. “Wait. What? You invited your wife over?”

“She is not my wife. And they all expressed concern over your welfare, Jim. They asked to see you. I thought it most appropriate to have them here for dinner. I will ensure they leave immediately after.”

I sighed, rubbed my hand over my head. “Okay. I guess. I mean, yeah. All right.” I sighed again. “Shower.” 


	15. Chapter 15

When I came back out to the kitchen, showered and dressed, Spock’s guests had not yet arrived.

“What time is the invasion?” I asked, taking the cup of coffee he offered me.

“They should be arriving within the next half hour.”

I sighed. “You could have asked me, Spock. I just got out of the hospital.”

“They wanted to see you.”

“They could have come to the hospital.”

“Negative. Dr. McCoy and I kept them from visiting. We thought it best for your recovery.” Spock’s gaze raked over me. “They will not stay long, ashaya, I promise.”

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him he couldn’t call me Vulcan endearments either but it just seemed a shitty thing to do right then so I didn’t. “Smells good.” I didn’t have much of an appetite really, but I knew it was the appropriate thing to say.

Spock continued to stare at me with that Vulcan intensity of his. “You look exhausted. When dinner is over, you need to retire for the night and get some rest.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “I’m gonna go onto he balcony and look out. Be back.”

I went outside, needing the air. It was cold with the fog rolling in from the sea and it sent a chill up my spine. I’d left the sliding glass door open so I heard the arrival of the others. They were quiet and subdued. Probably wondering what to say to their suicidal captain.

I was not at all surprised when Bones stepped onto the balcony and came to stand by my side.

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Bones said quietly.

“Meaning?”

“With Spock. You had sex with him again, didn’t you?”

I glanced at him sideways. “How’d you know?”

Bones shrugged. “It was pretty much written all over Spock’s face.”

“Spock? His face is always blank.”

“I know how to read him. I know how to read you, too.”

“It’s hard for me to resist him,” I admitted quietly.

“Yeah, I know that. You've always had a thing for him.” Bones sighed. “That’s why I wondered if staying with him like this was a good idea. But you always do what you wanna do, Jim.”

“I wish everything wasn’t so hard with me.”

“No one’s promised an easy life.”

“True. But once in a while it would be nice if I didn’t have to fight for…everything.”

“Maybe it’s better. You appreciate it more.” Bones shrugged. “I’m sure it’s something like that anyway.”

I snorted.

“Listen, when we come back from New Vulcan I’ll have your psych evaluation set up. If it’s really the bond, there’s no point in the eval until that’s taken care of. I’ve made Starfleet aware of what’s happening.”

“Okay, thanks, Bones.”

“If everything goes all right you should have your command back soon, Jim.”

“I doubt it’ll be that easy, Bones,” I said softly, looking out over the San Francisco bay. Spock had a better view than I did. Wondered how that had happened. “I slit my wrists. I doubt Admiral Komack is gonna ignore that.”

“He doesn’t have to ignore it to sign off on your command, Jim. But we’ll address that when the time comes. Right now I just want you to take care of yourself and not worry about that.”

I nodded. “Guess I have to go face the crowd, huh?”

“They care about you. We all do. Not just the hobgoblin, you know.”

“Yeah, all right.” I made myself turn away from the sight of the bay and walk back into Spock’s apartment. Spock’s gaze was on me and everyone else’s wasn’t. Quite deliberately I imagined.

“Hey, everyone,” I forced out. I met Spock’s eyes but instead of looking at me, his gaze was now focused on Bones behind me and I felt a wave of jealousy through the bond.

“Keptin,” Chekov was the first to look straight at me. His smile was tentative but friendly. “You look wery good.”

“Thank you, Pavel. It’s nice to see you.”

He brightened at my use of his given name. “You must sit by me, Keptin.” He gestured to the dining table which had already been set with plates and silverware.

“It is good to see you, Captain,” Sulu said, offering his hand to me. I shook it.

Scotty’s eyes were sad but he smiled. “You look good, laddie.”

I smiled at that and patted his arm. When I turned to Uhura, I managed to keep the smile on my face.

“Captain, can I have a word in private?” Her eyes were pleading, but my anxiety shot up, my gut twisted.

Before I could respond, Spock was by my side. “Nyota, I am not sure that is wise.”

“I’m not going to hurt him, Spock. Please…Jim?”

“All right.” I glanced at a very tense Spock. “It’s all right, Spock.”

Spock still appeared as though he wished to argue but he nodded curtly and returned to getting the dinner ready to go on the table.

Nyota led me to a spare room and she moved like she was all too familiar with Spock’s apartment here and I supposed she was. It made me sad. I tried not to show it though.

“I wanted to apologize to you,” she said as soon as she closed the door behind us.

“Oh?”

“A-a lot of what happened between you and Spock was probably my fault. No, it was my fault. Some of it anyway. I pushed the marriage on him, even though I had suspected for a long time the two of you were in love with each other. And I encouraged him to believe that you somehow forced your bond on him.” She bit her lip, her eyes filling with tears. “As soon as we got married, there was such a change in him. He turned dark, twisted.”

“Did he hurt you?”

She shook her head. “No, nothing like that. But he became colder, angry, and quite clearly wanted nothing to do with any physical relationship with me. I couldn’t take it anymore and I asked him if it was you he wanted. He said yes, but that his actions had tainted the bond and he could not have you.”

I blew out a breath, shook my head. My head, my heart…it all hurt. “Why are you telling me now?”

“Because if anything I did caused you pain, caused you to do this…I was jealous, I-I never wanted to hurt you.”

“Look, I know you loved him. You wanted to be with him. I get that. Believe me, if anyone does, it’s me.”

“I didn’t know about the t’hy’la bond,” she whispered.

I nodded, feeling constriction in my chest. “I know. I didn’t really think it was real myself. Not for us anyway.”

“But it is real,” she said fiercely. “Spock wants to be with you.”

“Honestly, I don’t know if that will ever happen. I accept your apology, Uhura, but now I’m going back out to the dinner.” I didn’t give her a chance to say anything else before I walked out of the room. My emotions felt raw, exposed.

When I made it back to the dining area I was aware of Spock staring at me. Hell, he always seemed to stare at me, now that I thought about it. I did my best to ignore him and sat next to Chekov at the table per his request.


	16. Chapter 16

I stayed mostly silent throughout dinner, listening to everyone else’s chatter, and responding when I was spoken to directly. I was tired though and more than ready for bed when Spock finally stood.

“The captain is exhausted,” Spock announced not at all subtly. “You may take your leave.”

They all talked over themselves, scurrying up from the table as though being admonished. I supposed they had been in a way. Only Bones got up slowly and I heard him mutter _hobgoblin_ under his breath.

I rose myself and walked with them all to the door. When we reached it, Uhura sought my attention once more.

“Captain…if you…if you no longer want me on board the Enterprise, I’ll understand,” she said, her hand on my arm.

“Lieutenant, at this point I’m not even sure I’ll be on the Enterprise.”

I felt the stares of everyone on me and I glanced at them. Their expressions were anxious, unhappy.

Uhura’s eyes had widened. “Captain—”

“Look, let’s just wait and see what happens, okay?”

“Yes, sir.” She nodded but she didn’t look pleased. None of them did.

She gave me a quick hug and then was out the door. I could tell Chekov, Sulu, and Scotty were all in that awkward moment of deciding whether it would be appropriate to hug me. I took pity on them and patted each of their shoulders which seemed acceptable to them as they all gave me quick smiles and followed after Uhura.

Bones didn’t hold back and immediately pulled me into an embrace. I could feel his fast heartbeat. “I’ll be by to see you tomorrow. Check on you. All right?”

“Of course it’s all right.” I wrapped my arms tightly around him, ignoring the sudden, immense jealousy radiating from Spock, who stood stoically behind me. I went to pull away then but Bones just squeezed me tighter. “Hey. I’m okay, Bones, promise.”

Finally Bones pulled away. ”See that it stays that way.” He turned his icy stare on Spock. “And you see that he stays that way. Or I swear to God I’ll find a way to make you pay.”

I opened my mouth to tell him not to be like that, but I closed it, deciding maybe he deserved to act however he wanted. I smiled and waved as he left Spock’s apartment. As soon as the door closed, I sagged against it.

“You must rest,” Spock said, coming to my side immediately.

“I’m not that fragile, you know.”

“I did not imply that you were.”

“It’s just that I’m so tired and my head hurts. I feel kind of like off. I don’t know.” I glared at him. “And another thing. You don’t get to feel jealousy over Bones. Or anyone, actually.”

“It is not something I can control,” Spock said stiffly. “I am aware he is in love with you.”

I turned my back on him and walked away. “We’re not discussing this.”

“He would have you for his own if you would let him.”

“Well, I’m not letting him. And anyway, I said we’re not discussing this. Fuck, Spock, how can you get all possessive now? You didn’t fucking want me and now you want to go charging around like some jealous fucking boyfriend?” I turned around suddenly startling him into taking a step back. “I’ll fuck whoever and whenever I want, Spock. And there’s not a damn thing you can say or do about it.”

Spock straightened, almost looking as though I’d slapped him. After nearly thirties seconds of silence, he nodded. “Very well. I have the kitchen to clean. If you will excuse me.”

He turned on his heel and went into the kitchen and dining room, clearing off plates. And I stood there, staring after him, feeling like I should say I was sorry or something. But why should I? He was the one who chose someone else over me. He was the one who had wanted to sever his precious Vulcan connection with me. I hadn't wanted that.

I shook my head and went to my stuff, grabbing a jacket and shrugging it on. When I went back into the main part of the apartment, his back was still to me.

“I’m going for a walk.”

Spock nodded but said nothing.

“I won’t be long.” But he still said nothing, so I went to the front door and left the apartment.

****

When I returned to Spock’s apartment an hour later his door was closed and I smelled incense, so I went to the spare room and lay down on the bed. I fell asleep almost instantly and woke some time later when his fingertips brushed my temple.

“Hey.” I licked my lips.

“How was your walk?” Spock asked quietly.

“Cold and lonely,” I admitted. “Did I ever tell you they were bonded?”

“Who?”

“The other you, the other me. They were t’hy’la.”

His dark eyes widened. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at me. “He told you?”

“I don’t think he meant to. When he did the mind meld it came through.”

“You did not mention it.”

I shook my head. “You said yourself that the timeline was changed, that we were changed. I thought maybe…everything would be changed. We didn't seem like that. Like it would be that way. We were so far away when we first met and-and you were with-with her. I didn't know until you were dying and I had to save you that it was the same for us. You were so sure it was some kind of error, I couldn't tell you about them.”

“Jim—”

“It feels like we’re always fighting it. Our destiny.” I reached for him and pulled him down onto the bed to lie next to me. “I’m tired of fighting. Tired of fighting you.” My lids drifted half-closed.

Spock held me close, his lips grazing over my forehead. “Go to sleep, ashaya. I will keep you safe.” 


	17. Chapter 17

“I’m surprised he let you out of his sight,” Bones said as we walked to the end of the pier.

Bones had met me downstairs from Spock’s apartment and we’d decided to go for a walk. The day was overcast and the air faintly damp as we looked out over the sea. I sometimes thought if it hadn’t been space for me I might have chosen the ocean. It was vast and fathomless like space.

“He didn’t have much choice and I’m not a prisoner.” I shrugged and pulled my pea coat closer around my neck. “Besides I think he likes you.”

Bones snorted. “Doubtful. He views me as a rival.”

I bit my lip and let the breeze brush over my face before I turned to him. “Do you hate me?”

He blinked at that. “Hate you?”

“I’m not a very good friend to you, Bones.”

“Who says?”

“Probably everyone.”

“What the hell do they know anyway?” Bones bumped me with his shoulder. "They weren’t there when Joanna told me she had a new daddy and couldn’t call me daddy anymore. But you were.” Bones paused, swallowed. “You got me through that, Jim. Through me trying to drink myself to death. At the Academy, when I didn’t get a perfect grade on a medical exam and drank so much I ended up puking my guts out. Who was it that cleaned me up after that? You. Who was willing to give up their whole fucking career…their life…when Starfleet wanted to court-martial me? You again. Everyone else, Jim, they can go fuck themselves.”

“There have been plenty of times you’ve been all I had, Bones.”

“And the same for me. I know you love me, Jim. Just not the same way I love you.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, then shook my head. When I opened them again, he was staring straight ahead. “That’s why I think you must hate me.”

“Not a chance. We’ve been over this, Jim. You love who you love.”

“I hate him sometimes.”

“No, you don’t.”

I sighed. “Maybe. I don’t know. I just don’t understand why it has to be so fucking hard. Love should be easy and fun and beautiful. Not so much pain.”

“Who knew you were such a romantic, anyway? Jim, the love you’re talking about doesn’t exist except in fairytales. Life…love…everything surrounding it is work and it’s damn hard.”

I eyed him. “When did you become so philosophical?”

“Goes with the territory. Everyone wants to blab to their doctor.”

“I hate being here. On land.” I looked up at the sky. “I belong up there, Bones. Every time I come here I just…I feel itchy. I can’t stand to be here. If they ground me permanently—”

“They won’t.”

“How can you be sure?”

“You’re the great Captain Kirk. Bad for publicity.”

I snorted and rolled my eyes. “I’m not though. I’m not the great Captain Kirk, not like the other one.”

Bones smirked. “How do you know how great he was anyway? You’re just going by what Spock told you.”

“That and the meld he did with me. Everyone seemed to have thought he was great.”

“Everyone thinks you’re great.”

“Get real. I bet he never slit his wrists.”

“Despite what you think, Jim, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t perfect.” Bones shivered. “Let’s go get some coffee. Too cold out here.”

“Now you’re talking.”

****

“There he is,” Bones said, pointing to the doorway of the coffee place we’d stopped. Spock stood there, hesitating only a few seconds before making his way toward our table. “Swell.”

“It was your idea to comm him and have him join us,” I reminded him.

“I’m trying to make nice for your sake.”

Spock arrived at our table. “Doctor. Captain.”

My lips twitched a little. “Commander.”

“You do know my first name isn’t doctor, right, Spock?” Bones asked.

“I do.” Spock looked at the cups of coffee in front of the two of us. “Do you require refills?”

“We don’t require them, but it would be damn nice of you,” Bones said, pushing his cup at Spock.

Spock nodded and picked up the cups. “I will return.”

“Please tell me he doesn’t call you captain while you’re—you know what? Scratch that. Pretend I never even started to say that.”

“Say what?”

Bones nodded. “Thank you.”

Spock returned carrying three cups. He set the coffees in front of the two of us and a tea in front of the empty seat, where he then sat.

“So.”

I nodded at Bones. “Yeah. So.”

Spock sipped from his tea, arching his eyebrow. “Is this your attempt at small talk?”

Bones scowled. “Well maybe. You could try it.”

“Very well. How was your walk?”

“Fucking cold,” I said.

“Yeah, so cold,” Bones agreed.

We all fell silent.

I cleared my throat. “What did you do while I was gone?”

“I meditated.”

“Oh.” I smiled. “Good. You like that.”

“Indeed.”

Lord, how lame could I be anyway? _Good, you like that?_

Bones sipped his coffee, then looked at me. “How are you feeling, Jim?”

“Agitated,” I said honestly. “Cranky. Wound up. Sad. Hopeful. A bunch of things, actually.”

“Hmm. Have you got those arrangements made for us to go to New Vulcan, Spock?”

“Yes, doctor. You are to meet us at docking bay 12 at 0900.”

“Okay.” Bones downed the rest of his coffee. “I actually have a few things to do before then, so I’m gonna take my leave. Jim, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He was always running away from Spock and me, I’d noticed. But I plastered on a smile. “Sure, see you then.”

Spock’s gaze followed Bones’ hand as he reached over to squeeze my shoulder briefly, but he said nothing.

When Bones was gone, I eyed Spock. “The agitation is from you.”

Spock nodded. “Yes. I wish to already be on New Vulcan. I find myself somewhat impatient. It is illogical.”

“Maybe, but I want to get it over with too. You’re the cranky one, too. I didn’t know Vulcans got cranky.”

“We do not,” Spock insisted.

“Uh-huh. You broke a dish this morning and said _fuck_.”

“I do not recall that.”

“Liar.”

“Vulcans do not—”

“Lie. Yeah, I’ve heard that. It’s also total bullshit. “

Spock’s cheeks turned slightly green. “I am also affected by the tainted bond.”

“Is it tainted or damaged? Because see to me there’s a difference. Semantics, maybe, but still.”

“What do you believe is the difference?”

“Damaged to me speaks of being able to be repaired. Like there’s a crack but you can fix it. Tainted implies an illness, that it will forever be that way.”

“By your definitions I would say damaged.”

“You hope. I would say you don’t quite know.”

“It is difficult to know until it is examined by the healer but I do not believe that it has been damaged beyond repair. I still cherish it, cherish you.”

“Cherish sounds dangerously close to marriage vows, Spock,” I said quietly.

“To Vulcans it is very close.”

“Hmm. Then your marrying Uhura was almost bigamy, huh?”

Spock winced. I was surprised he allowed it, but he did. “Jim—”

I sighed. “I know. I need to let it go or something. I just…it’s really hard to do that. You know I tried really hard to stay out of your whole thing with her. Even after I knew of _their_ bond. You were with her, I dealt with it. I never understood it though.”

“Understood it?”

“Yeah.” I shrugged. “I mean, yeah, she’s hot, I get that, but you just…you don’t belong with her. It never seemed right, looked right. Not to me. And I know now why that is. Probably because of what we’re supposed to be. But when I saved you, and plugged all the wires into our bond or whatever, I just couldn’t pretend your being with her wasn’t eating me up inside. If I felt it, not being telepathic and all, how the fuck didn’t you? How could you just—just not care? You didn’t just tell me you didn’t want to be bonded to me, that I must have done something to make it happen, you fucking stomped on me and did the one thing you had to have known would hurt me the most. _Married_ her. God, it hurt so much.”

“Jim, I—”

“It still fucking hurts, like you razored my heart. And Jesus, if this is what it’s like to love someone who doesn’t love you, God, I can’t even imagine what I’m doing to Bones.”

“I do love you,” Spock said quietly.

“Yeah?” I stared into my now empty coffee cup. “Because words and thoughts don’t mean a thing to me. You say you do, you think you do, even, I sure know that from Pon Farr, but your actions? I just don’t know, Spock. And frankly all this scares the crap out of me.”

“You do not trust me.”

I shook my head. “No, I don’t. Because you say you aren’t leaving, but I don’t even know what’s really changed for you. You didn’t want me before. And now you do?” I sighed. “God, this is fucked up. I want to stop fighting it, I do, but in my head, I keep thinking…this can’t be right.”

Spock looked stricken. “I am sorry.”

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak, and I swallowed the heavy lump in my throat. “You ready to go back to the apartment?”

“Yes.”

We rose from the table, discarded our cups, and exited the coffee place. It wasn’t far from Spock’s apartment. Only a few blocks. We both walked briskly and made it in less than ten minutes.

As soon as Spock let us into the apartment, I was on him, pushing him against the wall, and pressing my lips to his. He growled low, kissing me back hard, and then reversing us so that it was me against the wall and him pushing into me, holding me down, dominating me.

“Fuck,” I groaned. “Now.”


	18. Chapter 18

I pulled my shirt off and flung it far from me. Spock’s lips moved to the base of my throat, his teeth sinking into the chorded vein there.

Spock’s hands were at my pants, at the fastenings, even as I wrapped my legs around him to hold myself up off the ground. I toed off my shoes even as Spock got my pants off and pooled at my feet.

I closed my eyes, throwing back my head, as I waited for Spock to unclothe himself. “Please,” I begged. I wanted him all over me, around me, scenting me, claiming me.

Bare flesh against bare flesh and I opened my eyes as Spock’s lips devoured mine. He slammed into me, with only spit for lubrication, but I didn’t care. I wanted the pain, the sting, I wanted to feel all I could so I wouldn’t think, my heart wouldn’t hurt.

“Spock,” I gasped as he pushed into me harder and harder growling low. I threaded my fingers through his dark hair and yanked on the strands, fusing our mouths together.

My whole body shook as my release rocked through me and I clung to Spock and held him close as he poured into me.

****

“That doesn’t solve anything,” I admitted, lying across Spock, “but it sure felt fantastic.”

Spock’s fingers petted my hair. “It does not. But it is difficult to resist.”

“True. I’ve always been a sexual being. And I’ve always wanted you. It’s stronger now than before, though.” I toyed with the wiry hair on his chest. After we’d fucked in the hall right by the door, we then made our way finally to the bed. After resting, we’d done it again. “Is that the bond or just us?”

“I have no experience with a t’hy’la bond,” Spock said. “I believe with normal Vulcan bonds such passion exists between a bonded pair only during Pon Farr.”

“Hmm. They do have sex at other times, right?”

“Yes. It is simply that during Pon Farr they are compelled to mate. It is a biological reaction that cannot be controlled. At other times, that is not the case.”

I nodded. “Okay, cause really, if you and I are going to be together—and I’m totally not saying we are—I like sex. Frequently. And every seven years just isn’t going to do it for me.”

“Nor me.”

I closed my eyes and sighed. “This was my fault.”

“What was?”

“I attacked you when we got back. I run hot and cold, don’t I? One minute I’m yelling at you and the next I’m jumping you. That’s not very fair.”

“I am not complaining.”

“No, I know. But you should. You’ve got feelings, too, Spock. I know you do. And I can’t keep trampling on them.”

Spock was quiet for a while but he continued to run his fingers through my hair, gently massaging my scalp. “I have already told you that I will do what needs to be done,” Spock said finally. “If you need to lash out at me, I accept that. I accept that I deserve all of your scorn, all of your repugnance for my actions.”

“You can’t be a martyr, Spock. Even you have your limits.”

“Perhaps. But there are none you could pass. I am determined to be the bondmate you deserve, Jim. In the hopes that someday you will allow me into your life permanently.”

I smiled then. “So no matter how many times I jump you for sex, you’re okay with it? Is that it?”

“I see no reason to deny you. You are my t’hy’la. I know you do not wish for me to refer to you thusly, but I find myself unable to stop.”

With a sigh, I shook my head. “I find it hard to believe I’d be anyone’s soulmate."

“Yet you knew of the bond with our counterparts, did you really think we’d be so different?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I did. Because it seemed so. One of the first things the other you said to me was that we were friends. I knew that wasn’t the case because you hated me. You couldn’t even stand to have me on the same ship with you.”

“Jim—”

“Spock, I know we’re past all that now. But then when he did the meld with me and I saw them together, it just seemed so different. That Spock was never with Uhura. And he went through Kolinahr at one point.”

Spock’s fingers froze in my hair. “Kolinahr?”

“Yeah. I think…I’m not sure, really, but I think Spock was sad because he had all these feelings for his Jim and he didn’t believe Jim felt that way. He thought they were only friends, because well, Jim was a womanizer, I guess. And Kolinahr was a way to get rid of all that. But it didn’t work.” I shrugged. “Not sure how they got together after that but I know they did.”

“It does sound different from us,” Spock agreed. “If I had known about them, though, I might have thought differently about us.”

“Maybe, maybe not. You might have also run screaming from the idea.” I closed my eyes. “Kind of like you did.”

“I was a fool, Jim. And if I must say I am sorry for the rest of my days I will do so.”

“I guess we’ll just see what happens on New Vulcan. I’m kind of nervous.”

His fingers had started to once again massage my scalp. “About?”

“Everything really. Meeting T’Pau. Hearing what she has to say. Is your dad gonna be there?”

“It is likely.”

“Great.”

“He will provide no interference.”

“Yeah, probably not. But he won’t be happy. Didn’t he want you to marry Uhura and provide Vulcan babies?”

“It was actually his preference I bond with a Vulcan so that offspring would be 3 quarters Vulcan instead of Human.”

“Oh. Yeah I guess that makes sense.”

“However, I never live my life according to what my father wishes. While I respect and admire him, he does not control me or my choices.”

“He still won’t be happy.”

“He is aware of our bond and that it cannot be severed except in death, Jim. He has encouraged me in the past to seek you out even before the onset of Pon Farr.”

I leaned up to look at him. “Has he?”

“Yes,” Spock said with a nod. “But I believed given my treatment of you and our bond that it would be unwise of me to interfere with your life. If I had not felt your regard for me during our meld, I would have left you after Pon Farr, because I would have believed that was what you wanted and needed.”

“Well, you’re here now I guess.”

“Yes.”

“How long do you think we’ll be on New Vulcan?”

“I am uncertain, ashaya,” Spock said. “I have arranged for us to stay in a home there for the duration.”

“Someone else’s?”

“Yes, but they will vacate it if you wish while we are there.”

“And there’s room for Bones?”

Spock nodded. “Yes, the dwelling contains four bedrooms.”

“Whose home is it?”

“My counterpart’s.”

I perked up at that. I hadn’t seen the other Spock in ages. “Well, hell, I don’t want to send _him_ packing. And you did say he had four bedrooms.”

“Indeed. This arrangement meets with your approval, Captain?”

“Yeah. Okay. Sure.”

“You should sleep. It’s late and it will be a long, stressful day tomorrow.”

I nodded and situated myself on the bed on my side. Spock draped his arm around my waist and pulled me close. 


	19. Chapter 19

I knew Spock was not happy with Bones accompanying us on the shuttle to New Vulcan. He didn’t say so, of course, but I was learning from the bond that I could feel certain emotions stronger from Spock than others and one of them was displeasure.

I nudged him as he took the seat to the left of me, Bones took the seat to the right. “How are your shields holding up?” I asked quietly.

Spock hesitated. “They are…adequate.”

“You don’t have to lie to me to spare me or anything, you know.”

“Vulcans do not lie.”

“Yeah I know that’s your story but as I told you before it’s bullshit. They may prefer not to lie but they aren’t incapable.” I glanced at Bones but he was reading something off his PADD. I turned my gaze back to Spock. “If we really are gonna do this, try this, Spock, I need you to tell me everything, okay?”

Spock nodded. “I am experiencing some difficulty.”

“Anything I can do?”

“I am uncertain. My shields are wavering and I am feeling somewhat anxious. That is not at all the normal state for me.”

Without even really thinking about it, I reached for his hand and stroked my index and middle fingers along his. I felt warmth, a little zing, and then calm. “That better?” I asked when he visibly relaxed.

“Affirmative. Thank you.” Spock exhaled. “It would seem that your touch comforts me.”

“Yeah. Kind of works that way for me, too. Weird.” I heard a snort from Bones and we both turned to look at him.

“You two gonna hold hands the whole way?”

Spock made no move to pull away from me. “And if we are, doctor?”

Bones smirked. “That’ll be too precious for words.”

“Excellent. Then I can assume you will be quiet for the duration of the journey.”

“Guys,” I said. “Can you-I don’t know. Try to get along?”

“I get along fine with Spock,” Bones insisted, looking back at his PADD. “According to this the atmosphere of New Vulcan shares similarities to that of Vulcan.”

“That is essentially correct, doctor.“ Spock’s thumb now stroked circles across my palm sending pleasant shivers through me. “While it is not quite as warm, it was as close to Vulcan as could be found.”

“Warm?” Bones scoffed. “You mean hotter than blue blazes. But you’re right, it does seem to be several degrees cooler.”

“Naturally I am right.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Still hot though. And the point is that humans are gonna need help with breathing and adjusting to the elevated temperatures. Fortunately I thought ahead, I’m good like that, and I brought all the equipment I’m gonna need.”

My breath hitched a little as Spock’s thumb moved across my wrist. I licked my lips. “What sort of equipment?”

“Hypos.” Bones eyed our hands. “And do you too have to make out right in front of me?”

“We’re not making out,” I protested.

“Give me a break, Jim. I know about Vulcans and their hands and kissing and all that. You two are on a public shuttle. You might practice some control.”

I moved my hand away from Spock’s reluctantly. He turned away, his cheeks a little green. “Back to what you were saying. Hypos? Seriously?”

“They’re to help you breath and tolerate the temperatures, Jim. I have to have them, too.”

Spock’s hand inched toward mine again and I moved mine closer to his so he could reach it easier. Our fingers curled and I felt the same warmth and inner peace.

“Yeah but you don’t count.”

“You mean because I don’t whine like a baby just cause I have to have a shot?” Bones asked, his gaze once more going to our hands. This time he just shook his head and went back to reading his PADD.

I yawned. “How much longer?”

“Another two hours, Captain,” Spock said.

It was odd really for him to be basically having hand sex with me while calling me captain, but Spock had always been a little strange.

“Okay. Gonna try to sleep.” I yawned again and then eyed Spock’s shoulder. He shifted it closer, as though in invitation, and ignoring the rolling eyes of Bones, I leaned my head against Spock.

****

As we departed the shuttle, I noticed Spock’s hand on my back guiding me forward. Totally unnecessary but for some reason it struck me as kind of sweet. As soon as we stepped onto the surface of New Vulcan the oppressive heat hit me and I tugged at the collar of the shirt I wore. Without hesitation, Bones jabbed my neck with one of his hypos.

“Ouch,” I protested.

“Don’t be a baby. How’s your breathing?”

“How’s _yours_?”

“Don’t be a brat either.” Bones jabbed me again.

I rubbed at the spot and gave him back one of his own scowls.

“While I confess I find his methods lacking finesse, I do approve of Dr. McCoy’s desire to see to your health, Jim,” Spock said from beside me.

“You’re supposed to be on my side,” I mumbled.

“And I am.” He looked to Bones. “Doctor, if you require assistance in injecting yourself, I will be pleased to offer.”

“In other words you’d like to stab me, Spock?” Bones snorted. “No, thanks. I got this.”

It was then that I noticed Spock’s father, Sarek, standing off to the side waiting for us. My stomach twisted and my heart rate increased. Spock immediately glanced at me, concern in his eyes.

“I’m fine,” I said, feeling the need to reassure him.

We walked over to Sarek now.

“James, I welcome the mate of my son.”

“Thank you.” Though I couldn’t help wonder how welcome I really was.

“And Dr. McCoy, it is pleasing to see you again.”

“It’s good to see you again too, Sarek,” Bones returned.

Sarek turned to his son. ”I will lead you to Selek’s house now.”

Selek was the name the older Spock had adopted in this timeline to distinguish himself from the existing Spock. I was eager to see him since it had been a number of years.

“How is he?” I asked, falling into step with Spock, with Sarek and Bones in front of us.

“He is well as you will soon see for yourself,” Sarek answered. “I believe he is looking forward to your visit.”

“When-when will I see T’Pau?”

“That has been arranged after the morning meal tomorrow. I will arrive to accompany you,” Sarek explained. “This way.” He pointed to a winding path.

We followed the path for some time and I began to wonder if perhaps Sarek didn’t know the way but it was an illogical thought of course. Eventually a large dwelling at the end of a dusty road appeared.

As we approached the front door it was opened and Spock…Selek…appeared. He looked older and more frail than last I’d seen him, which made sense of course, but for a moment it startled me and my steps faltered.

Spock’s hand grabbed my elbow. “Ashaya?”

I forced a smile, though I could tell by his near frown he was aware of my distress. “I’m fine.”

Spock inclined his head and moved with me to the house but he did not move his hand from my arm.

“Welcome to my home, Jim,” Selek greeted him.

I almost embraced him, but caught myself at the last minute, recalling as a Vulcan he would probably not appreciate the gesture. Instead I raised my hand in the ta’al. “Peace and long life. Thank you for having us.”

“Dr. McCoy, Spock, Sarek, please come inside.”

We entered the house and I kind of looked around. Very spacious and cool inside, which made me happy. “Really nice, Spo-Selek.”

He looked amused. “You may, of course, call me whatever you wish, Jim.”

I grinned. “It’s hard to call a Spock anything but Spock.”

“It does take some getting used to for me as well,” Selek admitted. He eyed the others. “Doctor, I have a room for you to the right of the living room area. I did set up only one room for you and Spock, Jim, however, if that is not your desire I will—”

“No,” I said quickly. I could feel Spock’s anxiety and distress. His thoughts that I would reject him. I could not do it. “We’ll stay together. Thank you.”

Next to me, Spock exhaled very quietly and I felt his gratitude even as his fingers brushed mine. 


	20. Chapter 20

“Dinner is nearly ready, Jim,” Selek said as he came out into his backyard where I sat in a chair staring at the darkening sky.

“What are we having?”

“Simple fare I am afraid. Plomeek soup with some kreyla.”

I nodded. “Sounds fine. We’ll eat whatever you make. We aren’t fussy.”

He studied my profile. “You are pensive.”

“I have a lot on my mind.”

“I suppose you do,” Selek agreed. “It is difficult not to defend Spock.”

“Yeah?”

“I am Spock, after all. I have the same feelings, the same thoughts. I know what it is like to love Jim Kirk so intensely it changes everything about you from the core out.”

“I know you do. I saw it in the meld.”

He sighed. “Yes. I would have prevented you from seeing all that you saw if I could have. My shields had crumbled with the destruction of Vulcan.”

I shook my head, patted the seat on the bench next to me. “I’m glad you told me. I’m not sure I would have believed the bond with Spock was real otherwise.”

“And yet you still have your doubts.”

“I feel so vulnerable around him.”

Selek nodded. “And you hate that.”

“Yeah, I do. I hate being at the mercy of anyone. Anything. I hate being controlled that way. Allowing that power over you…it just leads to nothing but pain.”

“It does leave you open to pain but happiness also.”

“A Vulcan talking so freely about happiness?”

“I am old now, I have learned much over the years.”

“With age comes wisdom.”

“Indeed. What do you most fear, Jim?”

“Being alone. Dying alone. Sometimes I look at Spock and all I can see is Nyota Uhura.” I sighed, feeling my chest tighten. “I don’t even know if I have a right to feel this way. She had him first, didn’t she?”

“It is not a contest of finder’s keeper’s, Jim. You had lovers prior to Spock as well. You must learn to let go of the past, of mistakes made by you, by him, if you are going to have a future.”

“Yeah. I get it.”

“Do you?” Selek asked gently.

“Do I really have a choice? I mean with the bond, it has to be, right?”

“It is true that the bond cannot be severed, destroyed. I am certain T’Pau will tell you this tomorrow, but there is a way to block the bond so that it lays dormant and does not cause undue stress for either of you should you choose to live apart.”

I didn’t really like the sound of that either. Blocked off from Spock? Living apart? That sounded horrible. And sad. God, I was fucked up. I didn’t seem to know what I wanted.

“I love him,” I said quietly.

“Yes, I am aware. And so is he. I also believe he very much reciprocates.”

“Did you really undergo Kolinahr?”

Selek nodded. “I had almost completed it. But I could not as my mind was already bonded with Jim. It needed his mind to be complete. Jim and the Enterprise called to me.” He looked up at the sky. “As it will always be with Spock.”

I nodded but found my throat was too constricted to speak. He squeezed my knee and stood. “Come, my young friend, it is time to dine.”

When I returned to the house I had my choice to sit to the left of Bones or to the right of Spock and I chose to sit by Spock. I felt a little bad but I also knew that Bones would get it. He was that kind of spectacular. Sarek had returned to his own home with the promise of coming back in the morning so it was just me, Spock, Bones and Selek.

“I have secured coffee for you and the doctor, Jim,” Selek announced. “Should you desire, of course. At least where I came from you were both coffee drinkers.”

“Still are,” Bones spoke up. “I’d love some.”

“Me, too. I assume you have cream?” I smiled.

Selek nodded. “It is good to see some things never change.”

He prepared coffee for Bones and I as well as tea for himself and Spock and then brought our dinner to the table.

“Smells good,” I declared.

Selek seemed amused by this. “It has little smell, Jim. And my Jim, at least, used to claim it was very bland.”

I laughed. “All right, you got me. There’s not much of a smell from the soup, but the coffee smells good.”

Spock took a spoonful of the soup. “It is good.”

I shrugged and took a bite myself. “It’s not bad. And not too bland really.”

“You are being too polite,” Selek said.

“No, no, really.” I smiled. “It’s good.”

“At least he’s not allergic to it,” Bones mumbled. “How do you like New Vulcan, by the way?”

“It is acceptable,” Selek replied. “It will never be Vulcan, but logically we must accept it as our new home.”

For a moment I felt all the pain, all the torment, all the anguish I’d felt when old Spock had melded with me on Delta Vega. Such overwhelming grief. I blinked rapidly, aware of Spock, my Spock, staring intently at me, alarm shooting from the bond like sparks. He reached for my hand under the table and I took his gratefully, the grief fading back into my mind, becoming manageable.

****

“You were very distressed at dinner,” Spock said, crawling under the covers of the bed in the room we were given by Selek.

“Yeah.” I exhaled slowly as I burrowed down under the sheets. “I thought about Vulcan. I felt Spock’s grief all over again. Or yours. Maybe both. I don’t know. It’s hard to distinguish what’s coming from where.”

“I did think of it when the doctor mentioned it. If it was from me, Jim, I apologize.”

“No, you shouldn’t. It was a horrible thing, Spock. I don’t expect you to turn off your sorrow over it.”

“With my mind disordered the way it is now, it is difficult to withhold some of my thoughts,” he admitted.

“For me too.”

Spock turned on his side to face me in the bed. “You are unsettled about the conference with T’Pau.”

“The idea of some stranger examining my mind is pretty freaky, Spock.”

“She will not try to harm you in anyway, ashaya. Her purpose is to help you.”

“Intellectually, I know that,” I admitted. “But no human likes the idea of someone invading their mind. It’s pretty creepy to tell the truth.”

“Even with me?”

I swallowed, trying to choose my words carefully. “I accept you here in my head more than I could accept anyone else, Spock. It’s just…there’s nothing more private than your own thoughts and when that privacy is disturbed, it’s uncomfortable. Even with someone you love.”

Spock nodded, his dark eyes solemn. “I am sure she will make the invasion as minimally invasive as possible.”

“Hope so.” I yawned. “Sorry.”

“You have no reason to apologize. You need sleep.” He hesitated. “Will you object to our closeness during your rest?”

I smiled a little. “Are you asking if you can hold me while I sleep?”

His cheeks turned a little green. “If acceptable.”

“It’s acceptable.”

I turned with my back to him and his laced his arm around my waist and pulled me close. I fell asleep almost immediately.


	21. Chapter 21

I had expected T’Pau to be a severe, intimidating Vulcan so I was rather surprised when she greeted me—not exactly with warmth—but not the cold disapproval I had been expecting.

I knew she was quite old, even by Vulcan standards, but she didn’t seem at all frail. Her dark eyes were solemn and intense though as she surveyed both me and Spock. She looked past us toward Bones and Sarek. Selek had chosen to stay at his home to wait for us.

“Leave us.”

Sarek bowed immediately but I could see the mulishness around Bones’ mouth and I knew he was prepared to argue. I shook my head at him and he immediately clamped his mouth shut and followed Sarek out of the chamber without a word. I turned back to T’Pau.

Her dark eyes were on Spock. “I would touch your mind.”

Spock nodded and stepped forward. T’Pau’s fingers touched his meld points. She said nothing for several minutes. Both of them had their eyes closed and I just watched them with apprehension twisting my gut.

T’Pau’s eyes opened a fraction before she lowered her fingers from Spock’s face. She did not speak to him, but instead turned to me.

“I would touch your mind,” she said to me.

Swallowing, I nodded my permission.

“Your anxiety is unwarranted,” she said softly even as her fingers touched my face like mere brushes of butterfly wings. “I will not harm you.”

My breath hitched and my eyes closed without conscious thought and I felt a strange, but not unpleasant pressure surrounding my scalp. I expected some sort of detectable presence in my head like when Spock was there but it was nothing like that.

After a moment, she lowered her fingers and made what I could only have described as a tsking noise. She turned back to Spock, her dark eyes icy cold.

“Spock, you have done a great disservice to him,” T’Pau said bluntly.

Spock turned pale at the rebuke and bowed his head.

“Such a bond is sacred and revered and is to be cherished,” she continued. Her lips thinned. “Choosing another over your bondmate is reprehensible as well as completely without logic. To seek to sever a t’hy’la bond…no Vulcan in our history has ever tried. Before you.”

I opened my mouth to defend Spock but closed it when she turned her dark stare on me.

“Though the bond cannot be severed completely as Spock has already learned, it can be damaged almost beyond repair.”

My gut twisted at that. “What does that mean for us?”

“I cannot help you,” was her cool response.

I blinked, chancing a quick glance at Spock who had gone paler still. I felt agony over the bond and I wanted to reach out to him but with T’Pau standing there staring at us I did not.

“So it can’t be fixed?” I asked, trying to keep the tremor out of my voice, not knowing if I succeeded.

“Yes. And no.”

I exhaled slowly, forcing the frustration from my voice. “What does that mean?”

Spock had gone mute. He just stared straight ahead, looking sick, looking lost.

“I could repair some of the distress in your mind, James, and I did as it was a simple matter. But your bond cannot be repaired by a healer,” T’Pau said.

“Explain,” Spock said softly.

“Your bond is damaged and irreparable because of your own issues with each other. James, you do not trust Spock. You do not trust his affection, his loyalty. You believe that he does not bear true love for you but only seeks to be with you because of the bond. Because he has to accept it. You believe had he the choice he would never choose you.”

She turned to Spock. “You do not trust James either. You believe he will stray, he is promiscuous, he can never be satisfied with only you, he will always have a roving eye, wish to be with women, he is flirtatious, enigmatic, and others always want him. You fear he will give into that temptation and never be truly yours. You fear he will try to change you, will not allow you to be truly Vulcan, will seek to use emotions against you to manipulate you. This is why you did not want to accept the bond.”

My heart hurt and it was difficult to breathe.

T’Pau shook her head. “You are very far apart. I recommend blocking the bond from your mind so that you may have peace. If you require assistance with this, I may be able to help.”

I swallowed back the bile rising to my throat. “There is no hope?”

She stared at us for a long time without speaking and then finally she said, “As I said, a healer cannot repair the bond. You must repair it…together.”

“How?” Spock asked.

“I can offer you no more advice. You must seek the help of each other to repair what has been damaged. As of now the bond hangs only by a few threads. It aches, it rots, it throbs with pain.”

She held up her hand in the ta’al. “Live Long and Prosper.”

“Peace and long life,” I responded numbly as both Spock and I exited the chamber. Spock kept going and exited further, both Bones and Sarek calling after him.

“What the hell, Jim?” Bones demanded.

“It-it didn't go well,” I stumbled over the words.

Sarek stared at me for a moment and then went into the chamber where T’Pau was.

“What do you mean it didn't go well? I thought she was a goddamn healer!”

I shook my head, my throat feeling raw, pained. “Not now, Bones.”

“What? Jim—”

“I need Spock. I need to find him, talk to him.” I patted Bones’ arm. “Please. I’ll see you back at Selek’s house.”

Bones looked like he wanted to argue but he nodded. “Okay.”

I hurried from the building in search of Spock.

****

I don’t know how long I searched or how I even found him really but eventually I did and he was standing in the middle of a garden, full of what I assumed had been native Vulcan plants, just staring into nothingness. I had never seen him look so lost. Well, yes, actually I had. When he had lost his mother.

I hadn't wanted to see that look on his face then, or that I had any part in causing it, and I certainly didn't want to see it now.

“Spock,” I spoke softly as I approached. I reached out and put my hand on his forearm, squeezed a little. “Are you all right?”

“I am afraid I am emotionally compromised.”

I exhaled slowly. “I know.”

“This…this is my fault.”

“We both share some blame, Spock. You and I…we’re both emotionally stunted. Different ways, maybe, but true nonetheless.”

Spock closed his eyes. “I apologize.”

I sighed a little, squeezed his arm again. “Hey listen. She said you and I needed to do this. If the bond was going to be fixed, it had to be us. It makes sense to me, Spock.”

He opened his eyes and stared at me with his stormy, tormented dark eyes. “I want this bond, I want this with you. But if you do not, then I will see that shields will be put in both our minds so that it will not harm you, you will feel no different than you did before you found out about our t’hy’la bond.”

”Spock—”

“Do you?”

And here was my chance I knew. If I said I didn't want the bond then Spock would put up these shields and I’d never have to deal with any of it again. I’d never see him again either. I knew it even without him saying it. I could forget Spock and all the pain.

But I couldn't. Not ever.

The truth was…it was always Spock. I was never going to turn my back, turn away from Spock. Ever.

“It’s going to be hard to do this.”

Spock nodded, but said nothing.

I slipped my hand down from his forearm and grasped his hand. “I don’t know what to do, but I know I love you, Spock. And if there’s a way for us to be a team in every way, then I want that. I want you.”

Spock exhaled slowly and then curved his fingers around mine. “I am gratified.”

I smiled.

“What T’Pau said about my thoughts—”

I nodded. “I know. We have a lot to get over. Both of us.”

“Yes.”

I looked around the garden. “What is this place?”

“It was built as a memorial for the fallen,” Spock explained.

“Ready to go back to Selek’s house? They’ll be waiting for us.”

“Yes, Jim. I am ready.”


	22. Chapter 22

“I would like to speak to you and Spock in private if I may,” Selek said to us after we returned to his home.

Bones and Sarek were there and neither looked terribly happy, but they did not press us for more information and I suspected Sarek had learned enough from T’Pau to satisfy them, at least temporarily.

We followed Selek outside and we both waited for him to speak. I knew for myself my emotions were still very raw from our session with T’Pau and I wasn’t eager to have any long conversations with anyone. Even another Spock.

“I would like to offer my home for your use,” Selek said. “I am aware of the basics of what T’Pau advised you through our father.” He looked to Spock. “I can see you are not pleased that T’Pau revealed information to him.”

“Nor that he shared that private information,” Spock said coolly.

“Understood, young one. However, he felt it in your best interest. For both of you.” Selek paused and folded his hands. “I propose that for the foreseeable future you stay here in my home, just the two of you. Without the distractions of San Francisco and Starfleet…and others.”

Selek did not say it, but I had a feeling he was speaking of both Uhura and Bones. And though I might not want to admit it, there was some merit to that suggestion. It did need to be me and Spock. Without having to face her for me or Bones for Spock.

“I don’t want to send you from your home,” I said.

“You would not be as I am offering it myself. I have already discussed it with Dr. McCoy and he has agreed to take a shuttle back to Earth without the two of you.”

That did surprise me. “Bones?”

“Yes. I will accompany him,” Selek informed them.

“Wait what? You’re going to Earth with Bones?”

“I have already packed my bag.”

“We accept,” Spock said, speaking up for the first time a few minutes.

I glanced at him, noticed the rigid line of his jaw. “You sure about this?”

“Yes.”

“It can be for however long you need. Once you are ready to return to Earth you can contact me and Starfleet,” Selek said smoothly. “I believe this time could be of benefit to both of you.”

“Agreed, however, the captain is human and may have trouble breathing with this atmosphere.”

“Dr. McCoy will leave several hyposprays for that and more can be sent via the next supply shuttle.”

“Well, you’ve certainly thought of everything,” I said, feeling a little like all my decisions were being made for me.

“Jim—”Spock started to say.

“No, it’s for the best, I know.” I nodded. “Okay. We’ll do it. Thank you.”

We started back to the house, but I held Selek back a moment. Spock noticed, his eyebrow arched, but he did not protest and went inside without us.

“What is it, Jim?” Selek asked.

“You’re matchmaking now?”

Selek tried to look innocent but an innocent looking Vulcan was too much. “What do you mean?”

“You want this to work between us so you’re arranging for us to spend time alone in your home. A home oozing with Spockiness, I might add.”

“Spockiness?”

“You know.” I sighed. “Do you think this will work?”

“It has a better chance of working here with just you and Spock then I believe in San Francisco. Even with you staying together there are those who can interfere.”

“Bones and Uhura, right?”

“I am certain their intentions are good,” Selek said. “The doctor cares for you a great deal.”

I blew out a breath. “And that’s a problem, isn’t it?”

Selek inclined his head.

“Okay, let’s do it.”     

We walked back into the house and Bones was waiting for us. He took us aside while Selek and Sarek spoke in the corner in low voices.

Bones thrust a medical bag at Spock. “Here are the injections he’ll need. I’ll send more when I get back to Earth.”

“Understood.”

“You know how to use them?”

Spock nodded. “I have had to inject him for allergies in the past on away missions.”

“I’m right here, you know. And by the way,” I said, glaring at them both, “I actually know how to inject myself.”

Bones scowled. “Just be careful. And if you need anything, contact me immediately.”

“I am capable of looking after the captain, doctor.”

“Oh, really?” Bones eyed him dubiously.

The tension between them was getting suffocating, so I sighed. “Okay, so, I guess this is it and we’ll see you soon, Bones.”

“I want to go on record, Jim, that I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Bones, this is important to me. To us. So, can you just support that?” I hugged him then before he could say anything else and he hugged me back.

He didn’t say anything else as he turned to where Sarek and Selek now waited for him.

“There is food in the kitchen,” Selek told us. “But Spock knows where the market is from previous visits to New Vulcan if you need additional supplies.”

I nodded and held up my fingers in the ta’al. “Live Long and Prosper.”

When they had all left I turned to Spock feeling suddenly very awkward. And kind of alone.

“So.” It was lame but I wasn’t sure what else to say.

“I am certain this was all unexpected for you. If you are not comfortable with the arrangements—”

“No, it’s fine, Spock. I’m a little startled that we just got back from seeing T’Pau and everyone’s gone, but I said I wanted to do this, so I’ll do it.”

Spock nodded. “Would you like coffee or tea?”

“Either would be a good idea. Are you hungry? We could…I don’t know. Make something?” I wrinkled my nose. “Does he have replicators or do we have to do everything from scratch?”

Spock seemed amused by this. “I believe we will have to make the food.”

“All right. But I have to admit I haven’t really cooked anything but eggs in years. And even then I was never that great.”

“I will teach you.”

I smiled at that. “You’re gonna teach me to cook?”

“Affirmative. I am a good instructor.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re a mean instructor.”

Spock arched a brow. “Only for students who do not listen and learn.”

I laughed. “Oh boy. Okay, bring it on.”      


	23. Chapter 23

“You are doing it incorrectly,” Spock announced, his dark eyes focused on the chopping knife I held in my hand.

My hand froze just as I was about to slice another bit of Plomeek. “Wait. What? I’m chopping wrong?”

“Affirmative. Your fingers are too close to the blade. You are in danger of cutting them off.”

“Seriously?” I put down the knife. “I think I know how to fucking chop, Spock.”

“Apparently not.”

“Sometimes.” I shook my head.

He arched a brow. “Sometimes what?”

“I just want to take the palm of my hand and smash it in that smug Vulcan face of yours!”

“That would be illogical.”

“Of course it would. Which is actually why I’d want to do it.” I advanced on him. “You know what, Spock?”

Now he looked at me warily. “What, Captain?”

“You need more illogic in your life.”

“I hardly think—”

“And that’s another thing, Spock. You’d think with only the two of us here you could call me Jim and not captain in that snooty voice of yours. I mean for God’s sake, you’ve had your dick up my ass now more times than I can count.”

Spock blinked, his cheeks were flushed green. “I-yes. You are correct. My apologies. Jim.”

“Much better.” I looped my arms around his neck.

“You are not angry?”

“Nope. Well, maybe a little. But more than that? I’m fucking turned on.”

Spock arched a brow at that. “You wish to copulate?”

A shiver went up my spine and my cock, which had already been half-hard, perked way up. “Oh, God. I sure do. You have no fucking idea, Spock, how that snooty Vulcan voice of yours being all logical and shit really makes me hot. God I want you to take me right fucking here in this kitchen and…now.”

Spock’s hand swiped the sliced Plomeek and the knife off the counter, the knife clattering to the floor as he picked me up and sat me on the counter.

“We may owe your counterpart a new knife,” I murmured barely an inch from his mouth. I sucked on his jaw.

“I do not care.”

 My tongue licked at the corner of his mouth. “Say ‘I _don’t_ care’.”

“I just did.”

“Uh-uh. You said I do not care. I wanna hear you say don’t.”

Spock’s teeth sunk into my bottom lip pulling a moan out of me even as his hands inched under my shirt. “That would be illogical.”

“Mm-hm.” I sucked his tongue into my mouth just as his thumbs grazed over my nipples. He’d scooted my shirt up to my armpits. My fingers feathered over the nape of his neck as his lips deepened on mine. God, Spock could kiss and damn, damaged or not, our bond brightened up at the contact, both of our minds, both of our bodies burning with energy. And damn my cock needed to be freed desperately. I broke the kiss to demand, “Say it, Spock.”

He growled low, but acquiesced. “I don’t care,” he said through gritted teeth.

“God, I want you,” I panted. I tugged at his shirt. “This. Off.”

“I give the orders,” Spock told me. His dark eyes had turned black, his pupils blown wide, possessive. His hands reached for the button fly of my jeans and he popped them open with just one flick of his long fingers. He stepped back far enough to yank off my shoes and then the jeans quickly.

He returned and he reached for me, about to scoot my ass to the edge, his lips about to descend on mine, when I said, “Uh.”

Spock froze, his eyes wide with concern.

I smiled. “Lube, Spock.”

He blinked for several seconds.

“Did I kill the mood?”

He shook his head and walked away. While he was gone, I decided to keep the party going so I reached for my cock and began to stroke it. When Spock returned he was staring at me with such raw passion it took my breath away and sent a shiver of lust spiraling through me. It was from me. It was from him.

Spock lubed his fingers and inserted them inside me, probing deep. He sawed them into me, he stared into my eyes, as he thrust his digits in me, as I stroked myself. My mind seemed to explode with love and passion and I couldn’t tell if it came from me or him. I thought it might be both.

_T’hy’la._

The word surrounded me, filled me, protected me.

His fingers slipped out and he hiked up my legs high in the air. I wrapped them around him and he drove in, drove home. His thrusts were deep, fast, hard, and impaling. Each brush of my prostate had me screaming. I continued to jerk myself with one hand and hold onto the counter with the other. The only sound in the quiet house was the sound of Spock’s balls slapping and my groans of pleasure.

“Spock,” I yelled myself hoarse as sparks of light and rapture seemed to light up my whole being as I shot cum all over my hand, my stomach, and Spock. I felt him tense and watched his face as it showed his pleasure as he released inside me.

For a long time after we remained where we were, though I had lowered my legs and he came closer to me sitting on the counter, holding me close. I could feel his heart beating in his side, I was sure he could feel mine beating in my chest.

“I am aware that did not solve anything,” Spock said against my hair.

“I don’t know. If we spend all our time doing that then there’s no time to argue.”

“I do not wish to argue with you.”

“Spock, honey, I’m pretty sure no matter how long we’re together we’re still gonna argue.”

Spock nodded. “You are very stubborn.”

I laughed. “We both are.”

“You must know I love you,” Spock said quietly.

“Yeah.” I nodded against him. “You must know I love you, too.”

“Yes.”

“Does the fact I love sex really bother you?” I leaned back to study his face.

“Yes,” Spock admitted. “I fear I can never be what you need.”

“Spock.” I touched his face. “Don’t you get it?”

“What?”

“I need you.”    

 


	24. Chapter 24

Spock seemed a little startled by my words. And I decided we both felt a little vulnerable naked, so I kissed him softly.

“Why don’t we get dressed and finish dinner, all right?”

My Vulcan nodded and pulled away from me, helping me down from the counter and handing me my clothes.

“You do not wish to discuss it further?”

“No, I do. I just…you looked a little uncomfortable. I thought maybe you needed some time.” I pulled my clothes on and grabbed a dish cloth and cleaning supplies to clean Selek’s counter. Spock watched me silently but with a dark intensity. “Okay. You want to tell me?”

“I am not articulate when expressing emotions.”

I smiled a little. “Something tells me we have that in common. Let’s cut to the chase, Spock. T’Pau said you think I’m a slut who can’t be satisfied with just you. And just now you basically confirmed that. So wanna tell me why you think all that?”

“Jim, I-I do not—”

“Spock, let’s not lie to each other. Okay? If we have any chance of…whatever, then we need to be honest.”

“Very well. I am aware that you had several amorous relationships in the academy. I believed that could be explained by your age and willingness to experiment but as our acquaintanceship grew I noted that your behavior continued to be what seemed like an excessive amount.” Spock had turned green.

A muscle ticked in my jaw, but I nodded. I could not really deny that as a single man without a committed relationship I’d had a lot of sex. “All right.”

Spock looked down for a moment but then his chin lifted and he met my gaze. “After your death, I had decided to put aside my doubts and seek you out to tell you of my regard.”

“Your regard?”

“I realized the depth of my feelings for you as you lay before me on the other side of the glass taking your last breath.”

“But then?” I knew there was a but. I heard it in his voice. I knew it in my heart.

“When I went to tell you, I discovered you had begun a romantic relationship with Carol Marcus.”

My chest hurt but I was forced to nod. There had been Carol and as a result there was David. I couldn’t regret my son. Not even for Spock.

“After that, I decided my feelings were unrequited.”

“And you chose her.”

Spock nodded. “Yes. I cared for Nyota and she cared for me.”

I closed my eyes and turned away. My heart clenched and my throat clogged with too much emotion. Spock moved quietly behind me and then he placed his hand on the small of my back.

“It grieves me how much I have hurt you.”

“You know when I realized it?”

“Ashaya?”

I closed my eyes. “Oh, I knew I loved you for a while, actually. I think I knew when you came aboard the Enterprise offering to be my first officer. I saved you from that Volcano because I had to. But when I realized it was irrevocable? Was when we were in that meeting with Marcus right before Khan attacked. I looked up and you were looking at me and our gazes met and I knew. No matter what ever happened between us or in the universe…I would always love you.”

“I—”

“So…you tell me this, that you did love me, yet when I found out about the bond, you accused me of-of…God, I can’t do this. I can’t go over this again.” I speared my fingers through my hair.

“Understand, Jim, I spent a lifetime learning to hide my feelings. And you—you wanted to make me feel.”

“You think I want to change you.” I turned to him then. “T’Pau said so. You think I want to make you human instead of Vulcan. That’s never been my intention, Spock. I love you for who you are.”

“You know I prefer to be fully Vulcan,” Spock said then. “I acknowledge my human half but it is my Vulcan side that I choose to emulate.”

“And you think I don’t know that?”

“At times I have wondered,” Spock admitted. “You deliberately try to draw out emotional responses from me.”

His words hurt but I fought not to show it. Because really isn’t that what he was talking about? Showing him _my_ emotions was trying to provoke him?  

“I didn’t realize I was doing that. I’m sorry.”

“Jim—”

“No, Spock. I mean it. I’m sorry I’ve made you feel like I don’t respect your Vulcan heritage. It’s absolutely the opposite, but I never intended for you to feel otherwise.”

Spock did not respond but I could see he wished to say something. I forced a smile I didn’t feel.

“I think it’s time to finish making dinner, don’t you? I’ll have to chop another Plomeek.”

“I wish to discuss what T’Pau said about what was in your mind,” Spock said quietly.

My emotions were raw, my heart slightly crushed…at least at the moment. But I supposed I started this. So I simply nodded as I went into the drawer where Selek kept his Plomeek.

“You believe that if it were not for the bond, if not for Pon Farr, I would not seek you out, I would not wish to be with you.”

And hell, I believed that now more than ever. But I simply nodded.

“I have told you that I love you and you have felt this through our bond. You know that Vulcans cannot lie.”

This time I snorted. “That’s bullshit. You fucking lie all the time.”

“Jim, look at me.”

I turned from the Plomeek drawer. His gaze was intense, almost unbearably so.

“I want to be with you. Even if we had no bond. For me it is irrevocable also.”

Unemotional, I reminded myself. “Okay. Good.” I turned back to the drawer and selected a couple of Plomeeks. “Do you want to start the T’mirak rice?”

Spock didn’t reply for several moments. I held my breath.

“Yes, Jim.”

We worked quietly then and the tension was thicker than it should be considering we both declared undying love for each other. It was my fault I was sure.

When we got dinner on the table we still remained quiet and I didn’t really even look at Spock. Swell, things were great between us, I thought sarcastically.

“You are upset,” Spock said into the silence.

“No. “

“I feel it.”

“Well, stop feeling it! You don’t want to feel my too fucking human emotions then get the hell out of my head, Spock.”

Spock narrowed his eyes. “That is not what I said.”

“Forget it,” I mumbled. “Sorry. But could you just…stay out of my head. Or at the very least stop telling me how I feel. I know how I feel.”

“You are upset because of what I said about being Vulcan.”

“I _know_ you’re Vulcan, Spock. I’m not trying to change you. But don’t try to change me either.”

He looked surprised. “I would not.”

I sighed. “Good. I’m gonna do the dishes.” And I rose from the table.      

 


	25. Chapter 25

I sat outside in Selek’s backyard after I finished the dishes. I needed some space from Spock and considering he had announced he intended to meditate I knew he needed some space from me as well.

I didn’t know how long I was out there sitting on the bench staring at what looked like a rock garden to me, but probably had some sort of native plants. It was warmer outside than inside which made me vaguely uncomfortable, but I figured the fresh air would probably do me some good. Or not. After a while my breaths got shorter and I remembered this atmosphere was not like Earth’s.

The door opened behind me and Spock appeared. I didn’t look at him at first, but then he was moving my T-shirt aside and injecting me with a hypo. Instantly I breathed easier.

“You’re gentler at that than Bones is,” I said quietly as he sat on the bench beside me.

“You should not wait until your breathing becomes troubled to inject yourself,” was his response.

I shrugged. “Wasn’t so bad.”

“I am invested in your welfare.”

“Yeah.” I looked up at the stars. “You finished with your meditation?”

“Yes.” He titled his head back to gaze up at the stars with me.

I sighed a little. “I spent my whole childhood looking up into space. First I wondered why space had taken my dad from me and then I wondered why it took my mom, too. Different ways, but the same still. I’m doing the same with my son.”

“David is still young. There is plenty of time.”

“It’s easy to think so, anyway. I remember a time when I thought that about you and me, but yet here we are. Together, but not really.”

“Jim—”

I held up a hand to stop him. “I’ve got something to say, Spock. And I want to get it out before I think better of it and say nothing. You think or you thought I was a promiscuous guy who would pretty much fuck anything and would never commit to anyone.”

“I did not—”

“There really is no point in denying it now. You already admitted it earlier. I just want to explain where I was coming from. At least where it concerns you. Some of it I refuse to apologize for. I was a single guy not in a relationship and I never led anyone on into thinking they had something more with me. When I fell in love with you, you were already with Uhura. And the two of you seemed happy to be where you were. When I was dying, I attempted to tell you that I loved you because there seemed to be no reason not to, but when you told me we were friends, I knew then—or I thought so anyway—that you only viewed me as a friend. So when I was revived, I didn’t say anything else to you about it.”

I paused and lowered my gaze from the stars to look at him. He was watching me carefully, his expression carefully blank.

“And you were still with Uhura. Carol expressed an interest in me that I hadn’t had, really, in a long time. I don’t mean sexual. I mean…something more than just sex. Just like you said you decided your love was unrequited when you saw me with Carol, I figured the same with you given the evidence and your own words. There was no reason not to pursue something with her. It didn’t work out, for so many reasons, but there was absolutely nothing wrong at that point with me trying with Carol.”

“I am aware of that,” Spock said in a slightly shaky voice.

“I hope that you are. I don’t know what you expected me to do. Pine away for you while you were with someone else? God, Spock, I fought just to get you to admit you were my friend. How the hell did you figure because of all that I couldn’t do a committed relationship?”

“I assumed—”

“Yeah, you did a lot of assuming.” I shook my head. “Really, it might seem like it right now, but I’m not trying to put all the blame on you. I know how I behave. I know I flirt and sleep around. Or I did. And I know I’m too human or too emotional. I _do_ try to get you to react to me, I admit that. I never really thought about it, but I guess I was trying to change you. I did want to make you more human or less Vulcan or whatever and I’m sorry about that.”

“Jim, I do not wish to make you any different than the way you are. You are my friend and my t’hy’la. I cherish you beyond all others and I have because of who you are, not in spite of it.”

“Still…I could be more sensitive to what you need from me, Spock. I know I come on all strong, like a bull in a China shop. I’m not sure I know how to be any other way.” I reached for his hand which I was pretty sure surprised him, but he curled his fingers around mine. “I just want you to know, I can do monogamy and I’ll try not to push you into emotional responses you aren’t prepared for.”

Spock was quiet for a long time but he continued to hold my hand, stroking his thumb along the palm. “I will never choose another over you again,” he finally said. “If it truly bothers you to share a mind link with me, I will see that it is blocked, but I would still wish to be with you, if you will allow it.”

“No, Spock. I don’t want you to block it. The bond, the telepathy, it’s all part of you, of your being Vulcan, and it’s important to you. I think you need it for your wellbeing, don’t you?” I asked.

He nodded. “But I can learn to do without.”

“You shouldn’t have to. This…thing between us is not all on you or all on me. We’re kind of idiots, the two of us.” I smiled a little. “If we are going to be husbands or bondmates or whatever, I have to get over what happened in the past.”

“And so do I,” Spock said quietly.

“Yeah. We both have to get over Nyota.”

“And McCoy.”

I shook my head. “I love Bones. I do. And I hate hurting him and I know I am, I do, but Spock, you really have nothing to be jealous of there.”

Spock nodded. “Yet he would have you if you allowed it.”

“Maybe, but I won’t. Even if you weren’t with me, Spock. Bones is like a brother to me and that’s always going to be that way.”

Spock fell silent again as he looked up at the stars. “Perhaps my counterpart was wise to leave us here together without interference.”

“He knows us well, I think.” I laughed. “Well, he is you.”

“He is not.”

“Kind of. I think he thinks like you.” I frowned. “Or you think like him. Not sure. Anyway, he sure as hell seems to know _me_.”

Spock eyed me speculatively. “You have not been entirely honest with me.”

“About?”

“You always said you could not meditate.” Spock swept his hand out at the stars. “But this is your form of meditation. Is it not?”

I smiled. “Yeah, I guess it is, isn’t it? Ready to go back inside?”

“Yes.” Spock rose from the bench and pulled me with him. We walked into the house and I closed the door behind me. He drew me straight to the room we had been given.

I yawned and stretched. “God, I’m suddenly really tired.”

“You do not wish to copulate further?”

That startled a laugh out of me. “Um. Well, not that I would ever turn that down with you, sweetheart, but really, I’m good. We’ve already done it once and I don’t need to do it _every_ night.”

“You do not?”

“Definitely not. More than once every seven years would be nice, though.”

Spock turned a little green. “It is not only during Pon Farr. Or does not need to be.”

“Good. And I know that, anyway. I’m just teasing.” I came to him and touched his cheek. “Spock, I like sex a lot. And with you I love sex a lot. We can do whatever we want and however often we want. All right?”

“Yes, ashaya.”

“Great.” I took off my clothes and crawled under the bed naked. “You coming to bed or what?”

“If you intend to sleep without clothing we will likely end up copulating at some point,” Spock said in a very serious tone.

“Yeah? Sounds fine to me. Wanna join me? Bare skin to bare skin?”

He blinked and removed his clothing. After a slight hesitation, he slipped under the covers without putting on his pajamas. I snuggled up to him and he drew me close.


	26. Chapter 26

“Was it difficult being married—or bonded or whatever—to a human?” I asked Sarek that night as we sat in Selek’s living room as Spock prepared dinner.

We had invited him to join us and I suspected Sarek was both surprised and pleased by the invitation.

“Amanda and I were both married and bonded,” Sarek explained. “We wished to satisfy both aspects of our species and cultures. It was important to us not to favor one over the other.”

“That’s pretty cool. Still, humans and their emotions.”

Sarek nodded. “It was not always easy between us. I would say it was equally as difficult for her to be married to a Vulcan as it was for me to be married to a human. There were compromises from both of us.”

And I decided that was really going to be the key for me and Spock. But I couldn’t help wondering how Sarek really felt about Spock being bonded to me. I glanced toward the kitchen but I could still hear the sounds of Spock preparing our meal.

“So, um,” I said lamely. I really wasn’t sure how to say ‘what do you think of me’ without sounding a bit like an idiot. And a conceited one too.

Sarek arched a brow very much like his son. Or the other way around. “You wish to know my thoughts on your being my son’s bondmate.”

“How’d you know?”

“It is a logical question coming from a human. Humans are endlessly curious.”

“Well, yeah. And I kind of have this stupid need for everyone to like me,” I admitted. I could tell I was blushing by the warmth of my face.

“The standard answer is for me to say it is not relevant whether or not I approve of you as you are my son’s chosen mate,” Sarek said.

“Not chosen exactly.”

“Ah, but indeed you were, James. Spock’s mind, his katra chose you. You complete him. It perhaps took him a while to recognize this, but that does not change it.”

“Okay, but that doesn’t really mean whether you approve or not is irrelevant.” I paused. “Does it?”

Sarek sipped from the tea I had handed to him when he arrived. “Were I to disapprove what do you suppose would happen?”

“Uh. I don’t know. I don’t think it would make Spock change his mind.”

Sarek nodded. “It would not. Nor should it. Parental approval while possibly preferred is not pertinent to the well-being of a bond.”

“So Vulcans don’t disown their children for making the wrong choice in a mate?”

“A mate chosen cannot be wrong.”

I smiled, feeling just a little frustrated.

“However, since you are persistent in your query, I will indulge you, however illogical you may be,” Sarek said. “I think you are a logical choice as a mate for my son.”

I couldn’t help puffing up at that a bit, even if I wasn’t sure how I was the logical choice for anyone, let alone Spock. But I knew that Sarek’s words were more than I could have expected and I wouldn’t ask for more.

Still, I asked, “Did your parents approve of Amanda?”

“They did not. I was bonded prior to Amanda but my bondmate died. Amanda was my second wife. They preferred I choose another Vulcan female but I wanted Amanda. They accepted it.”

“Yeah? Did they put up a fuss?”

“A fuss? No. That would have been illogical,” Sarek replied.

Of course it would, I thought. What was I thinking of?

Spock appeared then. “It is time to eat.”

****

“You spoke with my father?” Spock asked, after Sarek went home and the two of us were sitting side by side on the sofa. He was caressing my fingers with his.

“Yeah, I like your dad.”

“Indeed?” Spock murmured.

“Yeah. I didn’t think I would. I mean we didn’t speak much before and I figured he didn’t think much of me, but I think he’s actually pretty cool.”

I felt amusement along the bond.

“I am certain that he has never been described as pretty cool before,” Spock said.

“Except maybe by your mom.” I studied his face. “Does it bother you to talk about her?”

“Not anymore. It used to because it made me feel great sadness. I still feel her loss but can think positively of memories of her.” Spock squeezed my fingers. “And you, ashaya? Do you miss your mother?”

“I wish she was around more, but you know I’m an adult now and I’m just as capable of contacting her as she is to contact me. I can’t really place all the blame on her for our distance. I should contact her before we leave on the Enterprise.” I paused, feeling a knot in my stomach. “If I get to leave on the Enterprise.”

“You will.”

“I don’t know. I have to pass the psych exam. They’re going to ask me a lot of questions.”

“You were emotionally compromised at the time.”

“Yeah. I don’t think they’re gonna care about that. Or at least think of it as an excuse.” I sighed and shook my head. “I’m scared, Spock.”

“I know you are, ashaya.” Spock hesitated, then said, “I feel your fear through the bond.”

“Hey.” I scooted closer to him. “Listen.”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry about what I said. About staying out of my head? The truth is, it’s a little weird, but I also kind of like it. And you shouldn’t be afraid to voice what you want, even if it relates to what you feel through the bond.”

“T’hy’la, I do not wish to make you uncomfortable.”

“I know and I love you for that really.” I smiled. “But you know your dad mentioned compromises.”

Spock raised a brow. “Your conversation with him was quite detailed.”

I laughed. “Kind of. But, please, just be who you are. Okay?”

He nodded. “If that is what you wish.”

“It is.” I sighed. “Think we’re ready to go back and try it for real?”

“I am ready whenever you are, Jim.”

I exhaled slowly. “All right. Day after tomorrow, let’s catch a shuttle back to Earth.”

He brought my fingers to his lips. “Agreed. About that copulation.”

I pounced on him and pushed him down on the sofa. “Now, you’re talking. Kiss me.”

Spock’s fingers tangled in my hair as he brought our lips together in a deep kiss.


	27. Chapter 27

_Two Weeks Later_

Spock pulled the hover car in front of the small, cozy on the outskirts of San Francisco. He turned off the engine and we got out.

I stared at the little blue house. “This is nice. She did a good job.”

“Carol and your son have been here only three days?” Spock asked.

“Yeah. They had an apartment in the city before this. Since she’s not really going back to Starfleet, she decided a house out here would be better for both of them.”

“What will she do now that she has left Starfleet?”

We walked up the cobbled path toward the front door.

“Something with science, I guess. She said she had several offers with private firms.” I knocked lightly on the front door.

After just a moment, Carol opened the door and smiled at us. “Jim, Spock, how lovely it is to see you. David’s just waking up from his nap.” She held the door wide and we stepped inside.

I looked around at the home as we followed her into the living room which contained a little fireplace. “This is great, Carol. I really like it.”

“Thank you. We do too. Would you care for coffee or tea?”

“Tea, please, thank you,” Spock spoke up.

“Tea for me, too,” I said.

She smiled at me. “You look good, Jim. You must be excited to be getting back to the Enterprise.”

I nodded. “I definitely am.”

“I’ll be right back with the tea and David. Have a seat, make yourselves comfortable.”

Spock sat on the sofa so I sat next to him. “You still maintain a friendship with Dr. Marcus.”

“Well, not exactly friends. But having David between us we have to get along. I don’t think we’ll ever be really close.” I frowned. “I don’t really think we ever were, actually. You and Uhura always got along better than we did.”

Spock inclined his head. “I am not certain that is still the case.”

I smiled. “Exes. Think you can handle being on the bridge with her again, Spock?”

“I am only concerned with your being on the bridge, Jim. Anyone else is irrelevant.”

“Daddy!” David launched himself at me as soon as he ran into the room. I held him to me as his little arms wrapped around my neck. “Hey, slugger.”

David looked over at Spock shyly.

I followed his gaze. “You remember Mr. Spock?”

“Yes. Hello.”

“Hello, David.”

“Well, Spock is now Daddy’s…husband.”

“You got married?” David asked, eyes wide.

“We did.”

“When?”

“It was a while ago,” I explained. ”We didn’t have like a big ceremony or anything. We eloped.”

David’s face scrunched up. “What does that word mean?”

“We didn’t have a big party.”

“Oh. Okay.”

Carol came in with the tea and gave a cup to Spock and placed one on the table next to me. “Daddy told you his news?”

David nodded. “He and Mr. Spock are married!”

Her eyes got wide at that but then she shook her head and smiled. “That is news, indeed. But that wasn’t the news I meant.”

I shook my head at her and David stared at me. Finally I sighed and squeezed him tighter. “Remember I told you I’d be going away in the ship for a while?”

“Yeah.”

“I leave day after tomorrow,” I explained. “So, I’ll be talking to you from space.”

David bit his lip and nodded. “Okay. Will you play with me now?”

I smiled. “Of course I will.

He eyed Spock. “Mr. Spock, too.”

Spock arched a brow but he followed David as he ran down the hall toward what he told us was his play room.

****

“Keptin on the bridge,” Chekov announced as I stepped once more onto the bridge. My heart thundered hard in my chest, but it wasn’t fear or anxiousness, but adrenaline. This was where I was meant to be.

“Thank you, Mr. Chekov,” I said, as I stepped over to his station and smiled at him and Sulu. “Everyone ready?”

“Yes, sir,” Sulu said eagerly.

I turned to Spock. “Mr. Spock?”

“Captain.” He came to stand beside me. “I just spoke to Mr. Scott. The Enterprise is ready to depart at your command.”

 _My command_. It had been too near a thing. But the Enterprise was mine and Spock was by my side again.

“Mr. Sulu?”

“Aye, Captain?”

“Take us out.”


	28. Chapter 28

“I will say having the bigger quarters is a definite upside of being publicly public,” I told Spock as I lay in bed watching him sitting at the terminal in our quarters.

Spock arched a brow at me as I knew he would. “You refer to our official designation as a couple?”

“I do. The brass took it surprisingly well.”

“They were more concerned with having their popular captain back than any other concern.”

“Yeah, I know. Recruitment is up. They think it’s because of me, which is just fucking crazy.”

“You are something of a celebrity, Jim.”

“Well, so are you! Did you see that online article about us?”

Spock nodded. “I assume you refer to the one calling us Spirk.”

I laughed. “Yeah. What was the tag again?”

“Bondmates or Space Husbands,” Spock supplied.

“I totally remembered, I just wanted to hear you say it.” I grinned. “Stupid press. Anyway they shouldn’t bother us too much now that we’re on the five-year mission.”

“They seem to have a way of finding you,” Spock replied. He hit a few more keys and then stood. He was still dressed in his regulation pajamas which I couldn’t help finding very endearing. “I should take my shower now.”

I waggled my brows. “Or you could come back to bed and ravish me.”

“You were not sufficiently ravished earlier?”

“Oh, then, yes. But it’s now…er…now. So can we?”

Spock arched a brow, but he came toward the bed, divesting himself of his pajamas on the way. By the time he slipped under the covers with me, he was naked and brushing his hands all over me. I practically purred.

****

“When was the last distress signal, Lieutenant?” I asked Uhura coming to stand by her station.

“Thirty minutes ago, Captain. I’ve been trying to hail them ever since but with no response.”

“How many people are on the surface of that planet, Mr. Chekov?”

“Twenty-four adults, sir, and thirty-eight children.”

“Sixty-two colonists didn’t just disappear. Spock?” I moved to his station.

“No immediate life signs, Captain. There is considerable seismic activity.”

“Atmosphere?”

“Still within breathable limits.”

I nodded. “Okay, let’s go check it out. Spock, Chekov, you’re with me. Lieutenant Uhura, have two security guards meet us in the transporter room as well as Ensign Meyers and Dr. M’Benga.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And keep trying to hail them.”

When we reached the planet surface the silence was eerie. Spock, Meyers, Chekov, and M’Benga immediately began operating their tricorders. Almost immediately the ground beneath us shook violently. We were barely about to stand upright through the tremor.

I frowned as the planet stopped shaking. “The settlement should be to the right. Is it Volcanic, Spock?”

As we headed in the direction of the settlement, Spock continued to scan.

“Negative, Captain. There are no indications this planet has an active volcano.”

"So they weren’t destroyed in an eruption?”

“Not a likely scenario,” Spock replied.

We reached the settlement and immediately it was obvious the colonists were dead. Bodies lay everywhere. Men, women, children. I felt a sinking in my stomach.

M’Benga knelt by the nearest body. He frowned. “It appears to be some sort of disease, Captain. But I’d have to get at least one of them to the ship to do an autopsy.”

“Spock, what was the distress signal?”

“The colonists reported the planet was becoming increasingly unstable, Captain, and that they were falling ill. Possibly in response to whatever was happening on the planet.”

“Whatever it was works rapidly, Captain,” M’Benga said, standing. “I don’t recommend lingering until we can analyze our findings.”

I nodded. “Makes sense.” Then I noticed a small child dart around the doorway of a building. “Hey! Hey, wait.”

I took off running after the child, but when I reached the inside of the building there was no one.

“Hello?” I called out.

Another violent tremor began, this one worse than the other. The ceiling above me started buckling and rocks and debris rained down.

“Jim?” Spock yelled from outside the building.

“Yeah. Hang on.”

I tried to get to the door but a large chunk of the ceiling fell, blocking it. And the shaking continued showing no signs of letting up. I made it to the window and saw that the ground outside was splitting open. Spock and the others were already separated from me by a huge gaping crevice.

_Shit!_

“Spock! Spock, get out of here, take everyone back to the ship!”

“Captain—”

“This place is breaking apart. Get everyone—” Suddenly a large part of the ceiling came crashing down, knocking me to the ground. More of the ceiling came down to cover me. I could hear Spock frantically calling my name. When the dust settled and the shaking had stopped once more, I realized my leg was trapped.

“Jim?”

I swallowed and tried not to give into rising panic. Okay, so if this was it, I’d handle it. After all I was living on borrowed time from having been revived once as it was.

“Spock, get everyone off, go back to the Enterprise,” I called to him.

“Not without you.”

“I can’t move.”

“What is wrong?”

“My leg is trapped. And you can’t cross the gap anyway. Listen, our priority is the crew and the ship. We both know that. Go back to the beam point and get everyone out of here. Before another quake starts.”

“I will not leave you.”

“Spock, don’t make me make it an order.”

“Jim.”

My chest tightened at the despair I heard in his voice. I had to steal against it. “The needs of the many, Spock. You know that. That’s academy level shit.”

“You are my t’hy’la. I cannot.”

I felt the prick of tears. “You have to, Spock. You have to let me go.”

There was silence. And the link between us opened wide and bright.

_I promised not to leave you again._

_This is not the same. You have to take care of the crew, of the ship._

_You are my priority._

_Not this time, honey. Come on, Spock. You know this. You have to go. Please. I want you safe. Please._

_Taluhk nash-veh k'dular._

_I know. I love you. Always._

_Very well. I will get the others back to the ship._

I closed my eyes, as tears slid down my cheeks.

_Thank you._

_Kaiidth_. 

I let out a breath as Spock’s presence faded from my mind and our link was once more silent. 


	29. Chapter 29

Another earthquake rocked the planet and I wondered how long it would be before the dwelling crushed me altogether. And what of the child I had seen? Or thought I’d seen. What disease had killed the colonists? Was hallucinations part of it?

I consoled myself with the knowledge Spock would be safe. Bones, too. Seemed kind of fitting that a planet should take me with it. The shaking stopped again and I closed my eyes.

I drifted off and woke to the feel of cool fingers stroking gently over my temple. Slowly I opened my eyes and stared into the dark eyes of my Vulcan.

“Spock?”

“Ashaya.”

“What the hell? You aren’t supposed to be here.”

“I cannot agree.”

Anger spiked through me. “You’re supposed to be on the Enterprise with the others.”

“They have beamed up to the ship. I completed my duty.”

My throat clogged up. “Spock, why did you do that?”

“I told you I will not leave you,” Spock said. “We spent too many years apart because of my foolishness. I will not make that mistake again.”

“But—”

“Jim, I will not let you die alone. If it is our fate to die we die together.”

I shook my head. “You’re supposed to be safe.”

“I am safest with you.”

“God, I just…I can’t decide whether to kiss you or punch you in your stupid face.”

Spock arched a brow as he leaned over me. “I would prefer the former.”

I sighed. “I should have refused to let you back as my first officer.”

“We belong together, Jim. We are Spirk.”

“Don’t make me laugh, this isn’t funny,” I told him.

Spock inclined his head. “It is not. I would prefer to be back aboard the Enterprise with you by my side. I was always meant to be by your side, ashaya.”

The tears that had earlier dried spring to life again. “You sure know how to turn my insides to mush.”

“You are a very emotional being.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I am. Not sure how you put up with me, really.”

“You do try my patience on occasion.” Spock pulled back for a moment and I watched as he did something on his tricorder.

“What are you doing?”

“Attempting to get us out of here.” Spock glanced at me. “Why did you come here?”

“I saw a child run in here. You didn’t?”

“Negative. There was no child.”

I sighed. “So it was some sort of hallucination. This planet is fucked. How’d you get over here anyway?” A sudden thought hit me, like a slammed fist into my gut. “Wait, are you a hallucination?”

“Anything is possible.”

“Spock!”

“However, I am not a hallucination. I jumped across the narrowest point of the gap in the planet the earthquake created. The main doorway was blocked but I fit through a window in the back of the house.”

“If I had a hallucination am I infected by whatever they had?”

“I do not know. We will all need to be checked. M’Benga was going to see to the landing party’s isolation from the rest of the crew.”

I blew out a breath.

“Are you in pain?”

“Kind of. I’m afraid to know what my leg looks like.”

“Is it just your leg or do you have other injuries?”

“Cuts and bruises mostly. But this thing on my leg is too heavy.”

Spock eyed the chunk of ceiling on my leg. “I could attempt to move it.”

“I don’t want you hurting yourself. Spock—”

“If you are about to say I should be back aboard the Enterprise without you, I will not listen,” Spock informed me. “I will not live without you.”

I sighed. “Spock, even if I somehow get out of this, chances are you’ll outlive me.”

He shook his head. “I will not.”

I narrowed my eyes. “What does that mean exactly?”

Instead of answering, he replied, “Now is not the time to argue over a future we will not see for many years.”

Spock’s communicator bleeped. “Spock here.”

“We have your coordinates, Mr. Spock,” Scotty said. “But we’ll have to make it fast. Whatever’s breaking up the planet is starting to affect our engines.”

“Understood. Standby.” Spock looked at me. “Are you ready, Captain?”

“Ready?”

Spock stood and reached down to lift the chunk of ceiling off my leg. He struggled for a moment, but then as his muscles strained, he lifted it off and flung it aside. Instantly excruciating pain shot through my leg making my breath catch in my throat.

“Ah fuck.”

Spock bent down and picked me up like I was a sack of potatoes or maybe his bride. _Great._ I looped my arms around his neck.

“Spock to Enterprise. Energize.”

Our bodies broke up and we reappeared on the Enterprise.

“Jim!” Bones exclaimed.

“Stubborn Vulcan.”

“Stubborn Human,” Spock returned.

I kissed him.

“Okay, lovebirds, break it up. I need to see my patient,” Bones said.

Spock stepped off the transporter and laid me on the stretcher waiting for me.

“Scotty, get us out of here,” I ordered.

“Working on it, Captain.”

I looked down at my leg and saw a bone sticking up from it through the skin. I was suddenly lightheaded. “Oh, fuck. Spock, I think—”

****

“You know I can walk,” I told Spock as he led me to the edge of our bed, his arms around me, treating me like my leg was still broken.

“I am aware.” He eased me down like I was a fragile butterfly.

 “Spock, I’m okay,” I said gently as he knelt in front of me and seized my hands in his.

“I almost lost you again.” There was just the barest hint of a quiver to his voice.

“But you didn’t.”

Spock brought my hands to his face and he sighed when my palm touched his cheek. “You must promise never to leave me.”

“I can’t promise that.”

“You can. You will.”

I sighed and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer. “Okay, Spock. I promise.”

“Thank you, t’hy’la.”

I could feel his tension, his uneasiness. “What do you need, Spock?”

He let out a shaky breath. “I need to feel you everywhere.”

“Anything. I’m yours.”

Spock rose and pushed me flat on the bed as he removed my clothes with quiet efficiency. His own quickly followed and then he lay skin to skin with me. The bond lit up like a Christmas tree, brilliant and bright, contentment flowing back and forth between us.

“Is that better?” I murmured.

“Affirmative. I would like to meld with you, though, if you will allow it.” Spock kissed my forehead.

“I told you…anything.”

His fingers touched my face, probing, and then I felt his fear, his remorse, and his overwhelming love.

“Spock.”

“Regret is illogical, ashaya, yet I cannot cease from feeling it where you are concerned.”

“The past is over. We can’t change what happened between us then, Spock. We can only be happy we have now and the future.”

“A long future.”

“Live long and prosper, right?”

I felt his amusement through the bond. And his arousal. My eyes widened. I licked my lips.

“You wanna?”

His answer was a kiss and once more I was lost in his arms.


	30. Epilogue

“There he is,” I pointed out my son, David, to Spock.

David, tall and blond, wore his red cadet’s uniform. I had been more surprised than anyone when he had decided to join Starfleet. Of course his focus had been Science like his mother and Spock. Today was his graduation.

“He looks well,” Spock commented.

“You mean he looks as proud as a peacock. I think he’s strutting.”

Spock arched a brow. “Similar to his father I would say.”

I laughed. “Maybe. There’s Carol. Let’s say hi.”

We made our way to where Carol, dressed in a pretty blue dress, stood to the side. She held a graduation program in her hand.

“Jim! Spock!” She embraced me tightly and then gave Spock a much briefer hug.

“You look great,” I told her. “More beautiful than ever.”

“You’re always the flatterer. I expected to see Leonard with you.”

“The doctor informed us he was stuck in traffic,” Spock replied.

“Where’s Rob?” I asked, referring to her husband.

She smiled. “He went to get us refreshments. David will be thrilled to have you all here. He’s very excited.”

As if on cue, I heard an exclaimed, “Dad!”

“Hey, slugger,” I greeted him as he enveloped me in a bear hug. “Hey, hey, don’t pop my ribs, David.”

He laughed and turned to Spock. “Hey, Spock.”

“David. Congratulations on your graduation.”

David grinned. “One of you is missing. Where’s Uncle Leonard?”

“Late as usual. He’ll be here. And probably grumpy.”

“I can’t believe I’m finished already! It’s so cool,” David exclaimed enthusiastically. “I gotta go sit with the others. But I’ll see you in a bit.”

I watched as my son hurried away. I glanced at Spock and noticed his color was a little high. With a frown, I turned to Carol. “Can you excuse us for a moment?”

“Sure.”

I drew Spock aside. “What’s wrong?”

“Wrong, Admiral?”

I rolled my eyes. “You always lapse into titles when you are trying to be evasive. What’s up?”

“I have been experiencing symptoms, Jim.”

“Symptoms? What symptoms? And why didn’t you tell me?”

Spock shook his head. “No need for alarm. I had not told you due to the need to be at the graduation. However, following the celebration we have been invited to afterward, we will need to return to our apartment rather quickly.”

“What? Why?”

Spock cleared his throat, even as his head dipped toward my ear. “The symptoms are of Pon Farr.”

“Oh my God,” I said in a strangled voice. “Has it been seven years since the last one we went through already?”

“Indeed.”

“Well, hot damn,” I said with a grin.

“Jim,” Spock admonished, turning greener still.

“Sorry but I fucking love Pon Farr. You get all possessive and fuck it’s so hot and geez.” I paused to get myself under control. “Are you sure we have to wait until later?”

He arched a brow. “Your son.”

“Oh. Yeah.” I nodded. “Of course. I knew that.”

“Oh for God’s sake,” Bones exclaimed suddenly walking up to us. “ _Again_? Do I need to hypo you two?”

“Do not be ridiculous, doctor.”

“Come on, Bones,” I said, clapping him on the back. “The graduation is about to start. Let’s find our seats.”

Bones walked in front of us and I touched my fingers to Spock’s with a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another one bites the dust. Thanks for reading. I liked writing this one.


End file.
